Do Self Help Books Help ?
Before I start, I must say that I a big fan of self-help books. They motivate me, they inspire me, I learn from them, I increase my self-awareness and for some, one book can be a catalyst for a life changing decision or change in direction.
However, over my years of indulging into many self-help books I have noticed a few “issues” and there have been times when I have questioned whether they are actually helping or hindering.
The issues arise when we think the act of reading the book is enough to see a change, when we look at a self-help book for all the answers, for a cure from the feelings of inadequacy / discontentment, unhappiness. They can also arise when we read them from a place of low self-esteem, in attempt to become a better person, a more successful person, a different person.
The book alone cannot deliver these monumental changes. The only thing that can, without doubt, deliver these results, is YOU – your actions, your choices, your decisions. And this is where the problem lies and the hindering occurs.
I’ve read the book – where’s my results ? Just like someone who joins the gym, buys the clothes and never actually goes, will never get any results neither will someone who buys a self-help book, reads it and then puts it away and forgets all about it, without persevering with the actions suggested. We can often see the reading of the book as the action needed to make the change or improvements. This is not the case, the change happens as a result of the actions you take after reading the book or whilst reading it.
The book has the answer ! We read the book looking for that one thing that changes our lives, that one tip that magically transforms our lives, our bodies, our relationships. Others have said how the book “changed their life” and we want that too ! This rarely happens and often we get bored of reading the book halfway through because we have not had the expected lightbulb moment. We revert to feeling a sense of hopelessness or of being stuck with what you have and unable to get what you want or be who you want. However this time it is even worse because the author has told you that it is possible to be happy, successful, slim, fit, full of energy with a rampant libido, a bank bursting with money, whilst only working 4 hours a week and you have failed miserably at it ! So, we discard that book and pick up another one that is going to be better than the previous one – this one will have the answer I need !
Reading from a place of low self-esteem. We often approach a self-help book because we feel there is something missing, that we need to “improve” or “change”. We therefore look at the book from a place of not being good enough and see the author as an authority on how to make this improvement or change, often because they have done it themselves. We see the author as “better” than us, someone we aspire to be. So, when we try to mimic their behaviours and do as they say, we are in the zone of needing help. From this place of not being enough and needing help we inevitably fail to stick to any of the actions suggested and then feel like even more of a loser in life because we cannot do exactly what that successful person has told us to do, we do not stick to it or we try to do everything every day (journal, meditate, exercise, set goals, relax, eat healthy, daily gratitude’s, time blocking, positive thinking …) and end up feeling overwhelmed. It confirms that we are not good enough and the author is so much better than us. So, we try a different book in the hope that this one will contain the magic needed to help you feel confident and “enough”, that this one will contain less “to do’s”.
The book is not the one that delivers the magic – YOU deliver the magic !
The next time you excitedly place an order for another self-help book, have a word with yourself :
This book WILL NOT change your life, although it may help YOU change it. YOU are already good enough, this book is just a way to become more self-aware, take more responsibility for yourself and your situation. It DOES NOT have all the answers, but YOU DO – it can simply open you up to new possibilities, perspectives and equip you with more ways in which YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF.
You do not have to do everything that is suggested in the book, every day. Have a go at things and see what works for you. As you read different books, different tools, strategies and words will stay with you from each book and you can draw on these when needed and use them to develop your own, unique, self-help toolbox.
Please do continue with the wonderful world of self-help, personal development, self-awareness and self-improvement but come from a place of knowing that you are already enough. Read the book with curiosity rather than desperation – what can this book teach me about myself ? And if you find yourself really connecting with the words then take the action it is suggesting and repeat for long enough to make an informed decision about whether it is working for you or not. If it is working, fantastic ! If it is not, no problem, it is not for you, move on and find something that you align with more, that fits into your routines better, that is well-suited to your likes and preferences.
Always, always bear in the mind that self-help books only help when you help yourself !
Lisa x