It took me years to realise that the feelings and thoughts I was consistently experiencing had a name – low self-esteem and that the main cause of this low self-esteem was my previous years of suffering domestic abuse.
I am not one to use my past as an excuse for anything and to be honest I thought I was well and truly over it – I have a wonderful marriage and a great life. I am loved unconditionally, supported and made to feel beautiful and important every day. Now the fact that I have this fantastic relationship is proof that I have done a lot of work on healing myself and how I feel about myself. I would never have attracted that unconditional love and respect if I did not have it within myself (see my blog on Relationships after Domestic Abuse).
However, despite all of this love, support and adoration (he really does adore me !), I was still experiencing (and still do sometimes) ;
feelings of not being good enough,
feeling unimportant when in a group of people,
believing that no one would really be interested in me or what I have to say,
worry that unless I was the perfect wife / mum / daughter / sister / friend etc. they
would not love me nor want to spend time with me,thinking that people were only nice to me because they felt sorry for me,
feeling uncomfortable asking for something I wanted (because it was not important),
unable to receive from someone without giving even more back,
believing that everyone I met was better than me,
unable to express my opinion or voice my wants and needs,
fear of being rejected if I made a mistake or done something wrong,
feelings of being unworthy of others time, attention and generosity.
I would set impossibly high standards for myself, yet not expect anything from others, I would criticise myself, disregard my wants and needs, put myself down. Nothing I done, nor had was good enough to make me feel as worthy and as important as anyone else – even my husband, family and friends.
Strangely though, I exuded self-confidence ! And this was something else that contributed to the years of not dealing with my low self-esteem. I thought that because I was confident – in my job, with my body, in my ability to learn new things, in my relationship with my husband, my self-esteem was fine. I thought they were the same thing.
But they are not the same thing – you can have high self-confidence but low self-esteem or the other way around. Or you can be high in both or low in both (low self-confidence is also extremely common in survivors of domestic abuse but you naturally start to work on that to a certain degree through the everyday choices and decisions you make. Having said that this may still need a lot of work).
Self confidence is your belief in your ability to do something or get something done.
Self esteem is how you perceive yourself as a person, as a whole, how much worth you place on yourself – this self-appraisal of who you are and what you are worth dictates what you believe others think and feel about you.
Low self-esteem shows itself up as those feelings, beliefs and thoughts I mentioned above. It can also result in ;
recurrent unhealthy relationships – that are based on you giving and the other person taking (because that is where you get your feelings of worthiness from, being of service to someone else),
avoiding confrontation – because you do not want to upset others,
putting everyone else before yourself – because their needs and wants are more important
than yours,perfectionism – the only way to feel remotely good enough,
lack of boundaries – for fear of rejection if you say no to someone,
reliance of income, status or material items in order to feel good enough,
addictions to combat the feelings of unworthiness,
not knowing what you want in life, settling for “how it is” – you have lost your
sense of self,not going for what you want in life – everyone else comes first so you have no time for yourself and if you do, it just seems selfish and indulgent to concentrate on yourself,
staying in the background – in an attempt to stay invisible as that is where you feel comfortable,
working hard to fit in but not feeling like you belong anywhere – due to you being the person you feel others want you to be / will like, rather than YOU.
All sounds very depressing and painful and it is ! (Have a watch of my You Tube video – The Lasting Affects of Domestic Abuse)
Moving Forwards :
However, you can get through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Reading this blog is the very first step in fact ! By becoming aware that you are not alone in those feelings of self-hatred or dislike, the pain of not belonging, the belief that you have to be what everyone else wants you to be in order to be loved you are on the road to healing, to becoming your true self, to recognising, accepting and loving all that you truly are.
It is not easy, but it is worth it – it starts with self-awareness and from there you start to change your thoughts, change your actions which in turn will change your feelings and beliefs about yourself.
It is not an overnight process, but every day you can chip away at those thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are keeping you trapped in your past and preventing you from being free to be your true self.
Start looking after yourself – eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, giving yourself a small bit of time each day to do something you enjoy, just for you.
Notice how you are talking to yourself – become aware of the negative self-talk patterns and change them to sentences that build you up and empower you.
Recognise your achievements and successes – you had the strength and courage to get you
where you are now and you can go further.Start making plans and start dreaming – your wants, needs and desires are just as
important as everyone else’s and you can achieve them !Spend more time with people that support, encourage and empower you and less time with those that criticise, disregard and ignore our wants and needs.
It is time to drop the mask and enjoy all that you truly are. Your authentic self is so much more interesting than the self you portray in an attempt to be liked and loved.
Lisa x
If you feel that you need some help with improving your self-esteem please do have a look at the services I offer – they range from free services to full, comprehensive 1:1 life coaching and support. I also run regular
Facebook lives and webinars that focus on building yourself up, improving self-confidence and self-esteem, using a healthy lifestyle as a starting point.
If you would like a completely free, no obligation call just to chat about where you are currently and where you would like to be please do book a discovery call – it would be great to hear from you.