Why do we find it so difficult to ask for help ?
Would you rather battle through a challenging situation or problem alone than ask for help ?
Are you always the one doing the helping ?
Do you think you should have all the answers so find it difficult to admit that you don’t know something and need guidance ?
During my single parent days, whenever I was noticeably upset or worried about something, I would say to my boys (and myself) : “It’s ok, I’ll be fine in the morning”. Which I normally was because I would go to bed, have a cry, give myself a good talking to then fall asleep. By the time I woke up the next morning I was ready to deal with whatever it was that was bothering me. The key word here is “I” – it would never cross my mind to ask someone for help.
I still find it extremely difficult to ask for help or admit to not knowing how to do something. I am much more comfortable being the one that has all the answers and does all the helping.
I know many of you are the same and if, like me, you have lived in an abusive relationship for an amount of time it isn’t just a set of limiting beliefs about being not enough that is keeping you from asking for help, it is also a safety mechanism.
Self-reliance is safe, you have complete control. Not asking for help means you are not risking looking stupid or weak and therefore not opening yourself up to criticism and humiliation. You became used to taking responsibility for everything, even when it was not yours to take on.
What if you do ask and they say no ! As survivors we got used to being let down and disappointed and in order to reduce the pain of disappointment we stopped expecting anything of anyone. If you ask for help with an expectation that the person may indeed help and then they say no you are subjecting yourself to that familiar pain of disappointment with a side of embarrassment on top. Emotions that we have been careful to protect ourselves from for years.
Being the helper feeds our self-esteem which can still be very much reliant on what we do for others. Remember those days when we would only receive love, affection or attention when we were doing exactly what we were told and supporting their needs ?
Of course, when we look at these beliefs written down, in this present-day moment where we are no longer in the relationship, we can recognise that these thoughts (beliefs are simply thoughts that have been repeated many times over) are no longer needed. We are safe, we are not going to get hurt, ridiculed, shamed nor criticised.
However, our outdated belief system and safety measures are still lingering on. They are telling us to keep quiet, suffer in silence and work through it on our own. They are telling us that we are not as important as anyone else so why would they want to spend time helping us out ? They are warning us not to show vulnerability because we’ll get hurt if we do. They are confirming that we are only enough when giving our all to someone else, not taking.
Let’s get real now, present day real.
The truth is, people are happy to help, showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, you do not need to work through things alone and you are more than enough just being you. The you that doesn’t know everything, that struggles with some things and that needs help occasionally.
You no longer need to keep your feelings and needs secret, they are important. If you need help push past that fear that is keeping you rooted to spot and ask someone you trust and feel comfortable with. They will not ignore you nor humiliate you. In fact, they will probably feel honoured to have been asked – remember how good it feels to be able to help someone ? Well, you are giving them the opportunity to feel that way.
If you ask and get a no, recognise that it is because they feel unable to help you. The no is their chosen response and is based on their reality, it has nothing to do with you personally. It may cut through your heart but do not dwell on it, it’s ok. Realise that they are not the person you need right now and do not let it put you off asking someone else. You may have to look a little further afield to find that person or resource that will be exactly what you need but you’ll only find it if you keep looking !
Remind yourself that no one knows everything (despite what your ex told you !). Do you think less of a person who asks for help when they really need it ? I very much doubt you do, so why do you allow yourself to think less of yourself when you need help ? Treat yourself as your own best friend.
Most importantly :
Just ask.
As the saying goes - those that matter won’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.
Lisa x
(Image by Vicki Nunn Pixabay)