What we need our loved ones to be aware of when we have left an abusive relationship.
When you leave an abusive relationship your friends and family are so relieved. In their eyes you are now safe and free to move on. They see this event as a time to celebrate. They mean well, they love you and they cannot wait for you to “get back to normal”, they are excited to have their child, friend, sibling back. For them, that chapter of your life is over and it is but this next chapter, the “surviving” chapter is extremely hard for them to understand because it is full of invisible, internal challenges.
They are unaware of the turmoil going on inside. The chaos inside your head, the fear in the pit of your stomach, the doubts, worries, uncertainty and the grief of having lost someone that consumed your life. They cannot see the low self-esteem, the feelings of being unworthy, the shame and guilt you are dealing with. They cannot understand how tired you are and how much strength you are having to come up with every day just to get by. They are not aware of the nightmares, the flashbacks, that you miss your ex.
From my own experience, this is what I would have loved my family, friends and even myself to have known and helped me with :
We can go from being strong one minute to lonely, upset and low the next. We are determined not to go back but have occasional doubts of whether we can do this alone and sometimes going back seems like the safest option. We need help to recognise that this rollercoaster is normal, it is not because we are weak nor stupid to be feeling this way.
We spend lots of time helping others in an attempt to feel better within ourselves and in order to keep ourselves busy. When we have nothing to do we can become filled with self-doubt and uncertainty so we consider returning to the known which is something we know we should not do. We want more, we really want to feel better on the inside, we want to move on and we want to be able to provide a happy home for our children. We are doing our best with what we have but it never seems enough. It would be great if we could have some reassurance that we are doing the best we can and that that is enough.
We still have dreams but we have lost touch with what we want so we need encouragement to rediscover our voice. We self-sabotage any attempt to start putting ourselves first due to our need to be needed by others and low self-worth, this means we see others needs and wants as more important than our own. It feels like there is a blockage somewhere, that despite our freedom we are still being held back. We struggle with identity issues, low self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. People tend to take advantage of us as they pick up on our need to be needed and we attract others that are comfortable with taking. We have trust issues and tend to go one way or the other with regards to partners. We either continue to get involved in unhealthy relationships or we shut ourselves off completely. This is because the relationship we currently have with ourselves is unstable and we are trying to make ourselves feel better by either disassociating from our feelings or giving others responsibility for them. Helping us to feel better within ourselves will help us to move through this stage quicker.
We are lonely, particularly when the children are in bed and there are no distractions. We would love to find true love, happiness and provide a “proper” family for our children but we believe that there is something wrong with us and that we are destined for heartache. If we shut down and stop talking please keep in contact so that we know you love us and are here for us.
At this point in time, we believe that we have ruined our life and hate ourselves for it. Forgiveness is not possible at this stage so please do not say that we should “forgive and forget”. In truth the forgiveness we seek is not for our ex, it is within ourselves and this comes much later. We blame ourselves for the position we have found ourselves in and hold onto a lot of shame about how we have let ourselves down. We are unsure of ourselves and our future and will tend to settle – with our job, relationships, friendships and finances. “Getting by” is all that we deserve. Love, happiness and success is not destined for us, we are destined to struggle, we are “damaged goods”.
We are unable to accept compliments and never compliment ourselves. It does not align with the low opinion we currently have with ourselves. We cannot recognise any good points about ourselves, but by continuing to compliment us, despite the brush offs, you are encouraging us to rediscover our strengths and beauty. We are at the bottom of our to do list and we keep ourselves busy. This is partly because we need to be needed and therefore say yes to others far too often and partly due to our dominant self-preservation mechanisms that are preventing us from having time to feel those negative emotions that surround us. This includes guilt for taking our children away from their other parent and grief for the relationship we have lost (which was not all bad). Having time to reminisce about the good times puts us at risk of returning so being busy is needed at this point in time.
To help us to move forward we need help to start believing that there will come a time when we like ourselves and feel good about ourselves, that there are or will be possibilities and opportunities to do more with our lives than just get by. We need to know that this darkness, sadness and uncertainty will disappear. We need to be given hope that things will be ok, we need to be empowered to take charge of our life and motivated to take action. We need help to build our self-confidence so that we can start rebuilding our lives, we need to be strong enough to impose boundaries onto our children, despite the guilt (and if we are not yet that strong maybe you can support us with your strength). We need encouragement to feel comfortable saying no and putting our needs first sometimes.
Despite our desires to find love, we must be encouraged to spend time on our own so that we can establish focus and structure based on what we want. This enables us to know our next steps and to have something to work towards. This brings light into the darkness of the unknown future.
Self-belief, self-awareness, acceptance, respect need to be developed so that we value ourself and our time. We want to be able to voice our wants rather than feel scared of doing so. At the moment, it is better not to expect anything of anyone, that way we do not get hurt, disappointed and let down.
Please encourage us to step up and believe in ourselves, to be counted, to find our voice and be proud of how far we have come, without telling us to just “get over it”. We are currently afraid to dream and act upon it because we believe we will let ourselves down (again) and make mistakes, which used to put us in danger of getting hurt. We need to know that it is ok to try, that there is no right or wrong, that our choices and decisions are enough. We hear you when you comment on how strong we have been but in our reality we just done what we had to, we cannot see that strength within us, yet.
We want to let go of the past so that we are no longer held back so help us to do that by talking to us about our plans, our future, our present blessings.
Please note that we may be suffering from PTSD symptoms and/or mental health issues. We will most definitely be struggling with the emotional scars, so the support and encouragement you are offering may seem to be falling on deaf ears. It isn’t, we are just struggling to push through the levels of depression, anxiety and other symptoms we are experiencing and may need trauma informed therapy, coaching or counselling.
Most importantly please be aware that we need the support of a cheerleading squad because we are unable to be our own cheerleader at this point of our journey. We need help to feel safe both internally and externally, someone to provide strength and belief when ours becomes tired. We need people that we feel comfortable opening up to, people or even just one person that we can air our shame to so that it does not fester within us and become more powerful.
We desperately need to be loved, just as we are, with no demands because we cannot, at the moment, love ourselves but with your help we will get there.
Thank you.
Lisa x
Image by Gerd Altman, Pixabay