Let’s normalise getting out of an abusive relationship over being in an abusive relationship.
I know that awareness is the first step of change and is an important part of dealing with an issue. I also know that the increased awareness of domestic abuse and the horrific numbers of victims are helping victims and survivors speak up and find their voice. I am in fact doing a 28 day challenge for the charity Refuge. It is the “Walk 56 miles in February” fundraising challenge. As the physical challenge of walking this number of miles in the month is easy for me, I am doing daily lives in my fundraising group, whilst walking, to help spread awareness of how to help yourself or a friend / loved one / colleague that may be experiencing an abusive relationship.
However, we must be careful with this increasing awareness of how common domestic abuse is as it is normalising abusive relationships. This can make victims think something along the lines of “well it happens to everyone so I must just accept it”; or, “there’s no point leaving as the chances of me finding a healthy relationship are non-existent”; or, “it could be much worse”.
We therefore must start building a greater awareness of the fact that domestic abuse does not have to be a life sentence nor inevitable. We must start spreading empowering stories and messages of life after abuse, of happy endings, of finding healthy love after abuse. Stories of fulfilling potential, making dreams a reality and breaking the cycle of domestic abuse within a family.
Let’s normalise leaving an abusive relationship, moving on and finding true love within ourselves as well as with others.
And let’s start here !
Starting with some facts about the services available and being made use of. My stats are taken from Women’s Aid. (2021) The Domestic Abuse Report 2022: Early Release. Bristol: Women’s Aid so they are UK related but I am sure, if you google “domestic abuse services facts and figures” you will find lots of help and support that is available and made use of within your locality.
The figures I am quoting are from a sample size of 34,860 female survivors that recorded their experiences of domestic abuse support services on the On Track database over a year.
3274 accessed refuge services, during the year 2020-2021. Refuges provide essential accommodation and support services for people needing somewhere to go. The refuge process starts with just a telephone call to the National Domestic Abuse hotline.
31586 accessed community-based support services. There are many local domestic abuse charities, aside from the larger, national ones. All of them will have a helpline number on their website. Again, getting help and support starts with a phone call.
60% service users of community-based services had children and 5.9% were pregnant. 59.7% of those that used refuge services had children and 7.3% were pregnant. Help and support provided will take into consideration the needs of your children and the service providers are experienced in dealing with the needs of you and your family.
Length of abuse ranged from months to 66 years, the average was 6 years. No matter how long you have been suffering, there is help available.
Ages of survivors ranged from under 18 to over 91. People of all ages can make use of the help and support available. You are not too young nor too old.
24.5% had a disclosed disability, mental health being the most common disability and some having more than one. Service providers do their best to accommodate disabilities of all kinds. Please do not think that your needs are too complex – there is always a way.
8.9% were from Asian / Asian British backgrounds, 6.2% were from Black/African/Caribbean/Black British ethnic backgrounds. (8.6% either did not know, did not answer or were not asked). There is help available for all victims, with some service providers running groups and services exclusively for minority groups.
31.8% of those in a refuge did not have recourse to public funds. 5.3% required an interpreter (missing data = 7.4%). Service providers (including community-based services) do their best to provide accessible help and support to everyone that needs it.
Just over a third required mental health support, 10.9% required physical health support (missing or incomplete data = 18.3%), 0.7% were deaf or hearing impaired. You are not alone, you will not be judged and there is suitable help and support available for your specific needs.
On 1st May 2021 there were 229 domestic abuse service providers running 391 local services throughout England. 269 of these included refuge services.
Two refuge services, exclusively for the LGBT+ survivors were added in the 2020 – 2021 year.
The number of refuge spaces increased by 354 from May 2020 – May 2021 (that’s not really a lot but it’s a start).
On 1st May 2021 there were a total of 281 refuge spaces available to men. Please do not think that there is no help for you if you are male. There is a domestic abuse helpline and charities, specifically for men which are great places to start.
Throughout the year, an estimated 10,809 women and 11,890 children were supported by refuge services and an estimated 124,044 women and 148,852 children accessed community-based support services. Every single one of them deserved the help and support they received, if not more, and so do you. Make that call or send that email and ask for help (when it is safe to do so) – you will be listened to without judgement, you will be supported and you will be offered help. You are not alone.
Phew ! So now the facts and figures are out there, proving how many people receive life-changing help and support, I can give a few, short examples of my own “survival stories” that can be used to instil hope in those that currently feel that there is no way out, nor a better alternative.
You can leave for good, no matter how many times you have tried and returned before.
On average it takes someone between 7 and 9 attempts to leave before they manage to get away and stay away. That’s not to say that if you are not on that number yet you cannot do it ! Prove those figures wrong !
I think my number was a little bit higher than this over the course of the 9 years. This included an attempt to leave after he had been convicted of ABH against me. It was also my second refuge attempt that was successful.
Never give up, you can and will leave one day and never return.
You can break the cycle.
If you have grown up within unhealthy relationships and gone onto experience domestic abuse with your partner it can seem like this is all you are destined for. You most probably have well established beliefs that trauma and drama are just part of life, that this is all you deserve. These beliefs need shaking off and whilst it is not easy, you can change your beliefs to ones that empower you to put an end to the pain and break the cycle.
To do that, you need to start working on those beliefs that are keeping you stuck and summon up the courage that you most definitely have deep down inside of you. You can change your life.
You can put the past behind you.
Once you have left, the past will only continue to hurt you whilst you are holding onto the feelings and emotions that you experienced during that time. I totally understand how challenging it is to let go of the past and work through the fear that keeps the past alive. I kept my past alive for way too many years which is why I have such a strong urge to help others work through it quicker !
The more you move forwards with your life and focus on the present and future the quicker the past will start to fade away. As you become more self-aware of old feelings and emotions that are sticking around the quicker you will work through them and replace them with positive feelings and emotions.
The past is over, accept where you are right now and focus on where you are going. You are moving forwards, not backwards.
You can start your life all over again.
I know this is a big ask and I know it is far from easy ! However, you have (or are in the process of) escaped domestic abuse. Yes, it is hard work but you have your freedom, you are safe, you can make your own choices, you are in control. You are extremely resilient, strong and courageous. There is nothing you cannot do – never forget this.
You are so much stronger than you think.
We tend to look at our past with shame, guilt and embarrassment but we are so wrong ! Every day we walked on eggshells, we dealt with fear, we watched their every movement, we assessed our every word and action as we went about daily life, trying to be as “normal” as possible. We hid our pain and smiled through the sadness.
Our pasts are ones of strength and courage !
There is such a thing as a happy ending.
This may seem like this is a lifetime away or something that you are not destined for. I felt like that for many years after I left to be honest. However, I am living proof of a happy ending – a wonderful husband, a life full of love, laughter and happiness and I know of many others that have also achieved the elusive happy ending.
If we can do it, so can you.
True love does exist.
True love starts from within yourself, so before you start looking to another to give you the true love you yearn for, start looking after yourself and treating yourself with love and respect.
Despite your outdated beliefs you deserve to be loved, cared for, respected, and appreciated. Once your internal beliefs start to echo this you will find yourself surrounded by love.
Everything will be ok.
I understand that this may be hard to believe at the moment or during those down days and challenges but it really will be ok ! I can remember going to bed or waking up during the night with my head full of worries and “what if’s”. I used to lay there and repeat over and over again “everything will be ok, everything will be ok, everything will be ok” and whilst it may not have been an instant shift, it was always ok in the end.
It may take a bit of work but I promise you, you will get there.
They will leave you alone. Eventually.
Abusers soon move onto someone else once they realise they no longer have any influence nor control over you and once you stop giving them the thing they need the most to function – your attention. Ideally you will cut all contact but that is not always possible when you share children. If you do have to maintain contact, disengage with their hurtful comments or with their love bombs and keep any interactions brief.
They will get bored and move on, giving you the space you need to fully move forwards and put the past firmly where it belongs – behind you.
Finally, do not be afraid of asking someone who has been there and got the t-shirt for some help and support. We are a sturdy bunch and often love nothing more than empowering and motivating others to free themselves from the shackles of domestic abuse. Other survivors can provide a safe, non-judgemental space for you to voice your shame, guilt and challenges. They can also serve as a fantastic source of inspiration.
Always remember you are worthy of a life full of love, laughter and happiness and there are many survivors that have moved from surviving to thriving and are now enjoying such a life.
This proves it is possible and if we can do it, so can you.
Whether you are someone who has experienced abuse, know someone who is or has, or just want to help, please do spread messages and stories of hope and inspiration.
Let’s normalise healthy, happy relationships and lives over abusive, unhealthy ones.
Lisa x
Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay