Too Vulnerable To Breathe

“Just breathe”, I suggested to my friend as she was in the midst of what seemed like an emotional breakdown. She was on the other end of the phone trying to explain the chaos going around in her head and the pain breaking her heart.

“I can’t Lis, I feel too vulnerable to breathe at the moment.”

This was the second time this week someone I was with had been unable to use their breath to calm themselves down.

I asked her to explain.

“It’s so painful, I’m scared I will collapse altogether if I let myself relax even a tiny bit.”

Such a great explanation — her fight and flight reflex was on overdrive, speeding her through this heart-wrenching time of a marriage breaking up around her.

“My mind won’t stop, it’s going round and round trying to find answers so it all makes sense.”

I wanted to transport down the phone line and hug out all the pain, sadness, and confusion.

At this point, she needed to stay sane, even if that meant letting her fight-or-flight mode continue at high speed. She knew that if she stopped, even for a second, she would break down. Something she had done a couple of times during these last few months.

It was too sharp, too raw, and slowing down her breathing posed too great a risk. So, her body was telling her she shouldn’t do it.

At this moment, she wanted her mind to stop buzzing. It was making her feel like a crazy lady. The issue being she was trying to make sense of someone else’s actions and behaviours -the person that was the cause of the pain she was feeling.

She was also in the grips of anxiety. Fast-forwarding days and months ahead, making up scenarios that were sure to break her heart even more.

Of course, all this mind-chatter was futile. There was no way she could explain someone else’s actions and thoughts, just like there was no way she could know how things were going to work out.

So, I suggested something else.

Something that may not be as natural as breathing, but just as simple. Stopping the mind-chatter before it hurtled out of control.

I suggested the next time her mind starts spinning, she distracts it with a sudden movement or loud noise. Something like a sharp, loud “sshhh” or a clap of the hands. A chop of the arm works really well — it’s as if it cuts through the moment like a knife.

The distraction will stop the thoughts from gaining power and building upon themselves.

It encourages a moment of calm which gives you the space to re-choose your thoughts.

You may have to do this a lot during those days were your thoughts and emotions are running wild.

It’s extremely important to deal with your emotions rather than bury them, but there’s a time and place. When you are feeling raw and vulnerable, you’re not there yet. So, this is a simple way to help take back control of your mind before it pulls you down even further.

This form of redirection is currently helping my friend calm down and it’s providing a sense of relief from the turmoil she was experiencing. I may not be there to hug it out with her, but it’s nice to know I have been of some help!

Breathwork has always been my instant go-to whenever I feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious. But I now realise that sometimes, we are just too vulnerable to breathe. Our bodies will not let us relax because they are too busy surviving through the moment.

Sometimes, all we can do is calm ourselves down to a point where we can think straight again.

The day will come when we feel safe enough to breathe. When we have the strength needed to process our emotions without them sending us crashing down.

Until then, and during this time of visceral pain and sadness, we must listen to our bodies and treat ourselves with love and compassion.

It’s rubbish that we have to go through these challenging times, but we always get through them. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.