It’s Normal to Miss Your Abusive Ex

There’s a misconception that once you leave your abusive partner everything is magically better.

They are no longer around to control or hurt you, so your wings should reopen, and you should feel free as a bird.

But that doesn’t happen.

You think it will be easy to forget about that person who has hurt you and move on.

But it’s not.

I’d left my ex many times before, so I was prepared for the anti-climax. But I wasn’t prepared for the grief. This time there was no going back, and grief hit me with full force.

A wave of relief had flooded over me as I sat in the office of the women’s refuge. I’d done it, we had got away, we were safe, and this time it was for good.

I knew there would be some tough times ahead, but I never imagined I would miss him so much and feel so much loss.

It confused me.

Maybe I shouldn’t have left. Maybe things weren’t as bad as I thought they were.

I couldn’t tell anyone how badly I was missing him and the life I had left, that sounded crazy. I didn’t even understand it myself at the time, so how could I expect my friends and family to understand it?

Why would anyone miss someone that had caused them so much pain and sadness? And a life that had been full of walking on eggshells, control, and shame?

When we don’t fully understand our feelings, we assign a meaning to them. As is often the case in this situation, we choose a narrative that encourages us to return. We see the grief as a sign to go back. Surely we wouldn’t be feeling like this if they were really that bad?

Because no one ever speaks about missing their abusive ex, we fail to realise that the grief we feel is normal and part of the process of letting go.

So, here I was. Stuck with this surprising amount of grief, missing the man who had hurt me more times than I can remember but not being able to return because I would lose my son if I did.

That lack of choice, as harsh and serious as it was, was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to confront these feelings and deal with them.

I allowed myself to miss him, to reminisce over the good times, and talk about them with my son. I cried for the lost years, lost love, and lost future. I even allowed myself to feel sorry for him, having to start his life again without us. I thought back to the good times when we had first met, and the man I fell in love with.

I let my thoughts drift back to the joys we had shared as parents.

I let myself feel the love I had once felt for him.

And then I reminded myself of why I had finally left for good, of the bad times, the fear I had been living with for so many years, and of my son telling me he was scared of daddy sometimes.

During the first few months of life without him, I went through this cycle many times, and I gradually thought about him less and less.

I treated myself with more acceptance and compassion than I had done for a very long time. It allowed me to move through the grief and onto the next chapter of my life and helped me to understand that this sense of loss was completely normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

I was going through a relationship break-up. A relationship that had consumed me all day, every day.

There had been good times. Times of love and laughter, and times when he made me feel special.

I shared a child with him, and there were some good memories of times spent as a family.

It wasn’t all bad.

I had lost that person. Lost my life as I knew it and had entered a time of uncertainty.

Of course, I was going to miss him and our life together.

Then there was the loneliness, uncertainty, and lack of self-confidence swirling around inside of me, churning up my stomach, making my heart hurt and my eyes burn with tears.

It was so painful that going back could have seemed the safer option.

But, of course, it wasn’t.

The safest option was to find a place where I could acknowledge my grief and let it pass through me. Blocking it, because it seemed wrong to miss the person who hurt me would have caused those feelings to build up and fester inside of me. And using it as a reason to return, would have put both me and my son in a very dangerous position.

We’re not wrong to miss the exes that hurt us, we loved them.

We’re not crazy for grieving over a lost relationship, despite how much it hurt us.

The sense of loss is inevitable, and it’s normal.

It’s not a reason to go back.