The Harsh Truths of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Putting an end to an abusive relationship isn’t as simple as leaving and then forgetting all about them and the life you had.

The day you leave is a dangerous time. There needs to be a plan and safety measures in place.

The days that follow are a whirlwind of relief, uncertainty, fear, and release.

And the following weeks and months are filled with roller-coaster emotions and confusion as you try to make sense of everything that happened.

The question “Why me?” niggles at you every night and every time you encounter an awkward or challenging situation, you feel like you can’t go on.

Despite all this difficulty, leaving an abusive relationship is never the wrong decision. We deserve so much better and there is a life of love, laughter, and happiness waiting for us on the other side.

But it’s important to be aware that there are some bumps ahead.

The pain doesn’t simply disappear

It bubbles away under the surface and unexpectedly pops up now and again. It feels a bit like those hot mud springs that burst and spit randomly. The pressure builds to a point where you can’t keep the tears from falling, the anger from raging, or the apathy from taking hold.

Emotional wounds and scars, that were once kept hidden in the depths of our being now have a little bit of space and safety to start making themselves known.

During the relationship the tears were trapped, unable to fall freely. The heartache was constant from repeated heartbreak and emotions were blocked for fear of the pain they would cause.

The tears, heartache, and emotions don’t disappear, they go into hiding and once we start to feel safe, they emerge. Quietly, hesitantly, almost shyly — testing the waters to see if it is actually safe to come out of hiding.

A lot of my pain didn’t fully release until I met my husband and that was years later.

I was astounded that there was still so much pain left in me, as I had done a lot of work on myself. However, our internal environment can only fully relax when our external environment provides a safe enough space to do so.

You’re going to miss your ex

I have written a whole article on this because the grief I felt for the lost relationship took me by surprise.

We miss the person who hurt us, and we feel guilty for leaving them. This is hard to understand, not just for us, but for those around us. We are aware that this sounds crazy, so we don’t tell anyone. But this allows those feelings to gain strength, as we go over the good times when they were showering us with love and affection.

We gloss over the bad.

This person occupied our thoughts 24/7. We monitored and assessed their moods, and said what they wanted us to say. We would do anything to keep them happy. Because that meant we would not get hurt.

This obsession with their state of mind and happiness does not stop overnight and it’s easy to see the grief as a reason to return.

It’s not, it’s simply a normal reaction to a break-up.

A new relationship will not heal you

Another person broke us, so it makes sense that someone else can “fix” us.

Many of us (myself included) hurtle through one unhealthy relationship after another. We need to feel wanted to feel good about ourselves.

We try to fill those holes in our self-esteem and self-worth with attention from another person.

But most of my healing happened whilst I was single. When I was with someone, I’d find myself molding into the person they wanted me to be. Sure, they gave me some love and attention. But this conditional love is not what I needed to heal.

As cliched as it sounds, I needed self-acceptance and self-love.

I realised that the only person responsible for my healing was myself and I stopped expecting someone else to plaster over the wounds and scars.

You run a high risk of getting involved in another unhealthy relationship

Low self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth attract a certain kind of person. One that feeds off vulnerability and is insecure about themselves.

I met someone, whilst living in the women’s refuge, who was also abusive. It’s not something I am proud of, but I have come to understand the reasons why.

At the time, I believed I was damaged goods so was grateful for any kind of attention, even if it was a bit disrespectful. I was used to the drama of an unhealthy relationship, hooked on the rollercoaster ride of toxic love.

Most importantly, the relationship I had with myself was rubbish. I believed I was worthless, weak, a failure, and didn’t deserve the time and attention of other people. I still sometimes struggle with this 17 years later.

Our external relationships mirror the internal relationships we have with ourselves, so it’s important to start liking, trusting, and respecting ourselves before we re-enter the dating world.

The unknown of life after abuse can send you back to the comfort of knowing what to expect.

We didn’t want to be in this position of uncertainty, fear, grief, and embarrassment. Some of us start our lives all over again just to get away, and some of us lose our friends and even family. We lose our jobs, our money, and our future.

We’ve managed to move ourselves a few steps through the black hole that could have easily engulfed us when we were with them but the light at the end of the tunnel still seems miles away. It seems so small and insignificant we can start to see a bigger light shining at us back from where we came from.

That light, that we know so well provides a source of comfort during a time of discomfort. It beckons us back to what we know, with promises of better times.

But going back is never the answer, and many of us know this because we have already returned time and time again.

Your self-esteem is going to be in pieces.

It took me four days to make the move to leave once I had made the decision and whilst those four days were filled with fear and anxiety, I was looking forward to being me again.

Little did I know how long it would take to get me back. Had I known I would have started on my self-healing journey a lot sooner.

Instead, I spent years plastering over dangerously low self-esteem and self-worth.

I needed people to like me, so I did everything for everyone. I often let my cup run dry. I got involved in relationships that were not good for me, because I needed someone, anyone, in my life just to feel good about myself.

I slept around a lot. Being desired and wanted in this way helped me to ignore the emotional wounds and scars that needed love and attention to heal.

We were made to feel worthless, and unimportant. We were unworthy of love and attention unless we did something for that person. As a result, we became people-pleasers and perfectionists.

Even now we are out of the relationships, we can’t possibly risk doing something wrong and upsetting someone because that will rock the already shaky opinions we have of ourselves.

You will still feel lonely

Being in an abusive relationship is a lonely place to be. You believe that no one will understand you or your situation, you don’t even understand yourself sometimes.

We keep secrets, tell lies, and spend our whole lives pretending to be someone we’re not. All to stay safe and keep them happy, calm, and satisfied.

The loneliness doesn’t stop when you have left. We are still misunderstood and fear telling others how we truly feel in case we are judged, ridiculed, or criticised.

When we try to explain our thoughts and feelings, it comes out in a jumbled mess because we struggle to make sense of it. So, we go on with our every day as if the past didn’t happen.

We may find ourselves surrounded by friends and family, all of whom want to help and make us feel better, but they don’t know what to say or do to help. Instead, they say and do nothing. It feels like there’s a barrier of unspoken words and feelings between us and them.

One time, a few months after I had left, I went to my sister’s house. Everyone was there and was so pleased to see me. The constant chatter, was artificially upbeat, in an attempt to ignore everything that was churning around inside of me and them. Unanswered questions, misunderstandings, and unspoken hurt swirled around us.

I could not wait to get back to the solace of the refuge.

Even if when we feel listened to and understood there’s always night-time and our dreams.

Dreams that make our heart pound, make us sweat, toss and turn. Dreams take us back to the times that have been blocked from our memory and remind us of how it feels to be scared for your life, hopeless, and at the mercy of another person.

We wake up alone with our hearts pounding, feeling more alone than ever.

You will continue to abuse yourself

This is not a nice way to explain the constant, negative self-talk, self-criticism, and self-hatred that can sometimes consume us, but it’s exactly what happens.

Those harmful words that bombarded us during our time with our ex come back to haunt us after we have left. The repetitive criticism we were subjected to formed beliefs about ourselves that we reinforce when they are no longer around.

I have looked at myself in the mirror many times with disgust and told myself how useless I am. I have felt not worthy of others’ time and attention so have kept myself away from them. I have felt undeserved of help and support so struggled alone for many years.

I have even wanted to physically harm myself.

We feel we have let ourselves and our kids down so have little respect for ourselves.

We deserve love, laughter, happiness and the very best life has to offer us, and we are good enough. It just takes a while for us to truly believe this.

Life will never be the same as it was before you met them

You can’t erase your past, you can only move on and learn from it. No matter how hard you try, you will never be the same person you were before you met them. You’ve changed.

If only I could rewind and go back to that confident, successful, driven, ambitious, adventurous young woman I was before I found myself trapped in abuse. I yearned to be that person for a long time and I’m not sure if I have ever truly grieved for her.

Maybe I should, maybe that’s the final stage of my healing.

Because she’s gone forever. My spirit has returned, my freedom, my ability to love and be loved but the knowledge and experience I have gained means I would never have been able to return to the woman I was before.

All our relationships and experiences shape who we are, no matter if they are healthy, unhealthy, nurturing, or traumatic.

And yet, despite all the upheaval, confusion, challenges, and healing, removing yourself from abuse is always going to be the best decision you will ever make. One you will never regret.

Each day gets easier.

You gradually begin seeing yourself as the courageous, resilient woman you are. Your smile returns, your heart starts to reopen, your emotions start to settle, your fight or flight reflex starts to relax and suddenly, you haven’t thought about them for a day, week, or month.

That light at the end of the tunnel becomes clearer and brighter and your future becomes clearer because you now have full control over it.

You start liking and even loving yourself and you find yourself expecting the love and respect you deserve.

Knowledge is power and the better prepared you are for life after abuse, the greater the chances of you staying away, rediscovering your true self, and building the life you deserve.