If We Want Our Sons and Daughters to Enjoy Healthy Relationships, We Need to Change the Narratives About Love

I was a sucker for a bad boy and got repeatedly hurt by boys that were only interested in the way I looked and what I could do for them. To the point where I found myself trapped in an abusive relationship for nine years.

Whilst I can’t entirely blame society and its narratives for my past relationships, it did encourage me to go for a certain kind of person and put up with unhealthy behaviours.

This was 30 years ago, well before the age of mainstream social media. My warped narrative came from the R&B and hip-hop music I loved. I still love the music, but I now find many of the lyrics offensive.

They romanticise pain and suffering in the name of love and enforce a narrative that bad boys are desirable and can treat women however they want. Cheating, playing games, and even abusive behaviours are all acceptable.

“But I love him” is used as an acceptable reason to put up with the pain they dished out.

I remember my sister being disgusted by the music videos of scantily clad women, all flocking around the one man. I laughed at her disgust. As if that sort of thing had any impact on anyone.

But she was right. They made me believe I should look, dress, and act a certain way, to attract that desirable, arrogant, bad boy.

I rarely watch music videos now so I’m not sure how much they have changed but hearing the lyrics to some of the music my 16-year-old son listens to, I have a feeling it hasn’t changed at all.

And now we have reality TV shows such as Love Island and Ex on the Beach, and the constant drip feed of social media filters. They must be held at least partly responsible for young people’s ideas of what love is.

Reality TV shows, music lyrics, the behaviours of celebrities and role models, and social media have skewed what love is

They show bad boys as desirable and good guys as boring.

They promote overtly sexualised behaviour.

They normalise promiscuous behaviour.

They romanticise drama, emotional pain, and game-playing.

They glamorise volatile, toxic relationships and obsessive behaviour.

They objectify women and make men feel that they aren’t desirable unless they own a six-pack, pearly white teeth, and arrogance.

These unhealthy narratives are repeatedly coming at our impressionable young adults and teenagers. They think they have it all figured out but in reality, they are still trying to make sense of the world and their place in it.

Minimising the risk

By changing how they see love, we can decrease the likelihood of unhealthy relationships.

By reinforcing self-love and self-acceptance we can build them up so that they know their worth and don’t accept disrespectful behaviour.

I know, from experience how much love can hurt, and how powerful those messages that normalise harmful relationships, are.

I also know how much love can build you up, and how empowering it is to say no to someone who is not good for you.

Our sons and daughters should expect nothing other than love, respect, care, and attention. And they should be expected to treat others the same.

As parents, we can do what we can to encourage them to appreciate and respect themselves, but we are working against societal pressures and harmful role models.

They need to know that someone who loves them will never intentionally hurt them. And they need to be supported to go against the unrealistic ideals of society and find acceptance and appreciation within themselves.

With emotional immaturity comes inevitable misunderstandings and miscommunications within relationships. But self-worth, compassion for self and others, and boundaries can be learned at any age. And we can teach them.

Overpowering the toxic narratives with ones that promote healthy, equal, respectful relationships and boundaries, can minimise the chances of a harmful relationship.

No one can love you enough to make you love yourself

I needed a boyfriend to feel good about myself, to be enough. I was single for a long time and thought there was something wrong with me. When I was seeing someone I felt so much better.

A healthy relationship is built on two people who want to be together, they don’t need to be together.

We need to love ourselves properly before anyone else can love us the way we deserve. However, the constant stream of photoshopped images feeds insecurities, making them feel not good enough.

They live for likes and loves, not just from their friends, but from people they don’t even know.

A healthy relationship will help to build you up, but the foundation of your self-worth always comes from within, not from someone else.

Love doesn’t hurt

As the tears poured down my face, I felt that pang in my heart. It had become so regular, it almost felt comforting. After all, love hurts, doesn’t it?

Tears of pain, despair, and uncertainty are not romantic. Neither is holding back the tears because you know they love you really and didn’t mean to hurt you (again).

We know our teenagers love a bit of drama. But the drama of a volatile relationship is not healthy and causes a lot of internal, emotional damage.

Tears come from joy, happiness, and gratitude. They come from empathy, compassion, and understanding when each other is going through a tough time.

Tears shouldn’t be suppressed and they shouldn’t be forced to get a reaction. Love lets them flow freely.

Love builds you up

I could never understand how my boyfriend could be so critical of me. He said he loved me, but how could he also dislike me so much and let me down so often?

Now I know it was because the only way he could feel good about himself was to tear me down. All that tearing down takes its toll on your self-worth and you start to believe the criticism.

Treat them mean to keep them keen? That’s not love. But it’s often what they do when they like someone.

Love doesn’t make anyone feel small or not enough.

Someone who loves you would never dream of kicking you whilst you are down. Or attempt to bring you down when you are feeling good.

They encourage and support you to be the best version of yourself, not mold you into something they want you to be.

A healthy relationship feels comfortable and safe

I ignored so many alarm bells, in favour of being with these bad boys. Yes, they were a bit disrespectful sometimes but that’s the price I had to pay to be the one they chose.

I found their arrogance and aloofness uncomfortable but attractive.

Each time I was with someone who made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe that should have been the end of that relationship. But I kept going until they ghosted me, or the humiliation burned too much.

And each time, my self-esteem declined even further.

No one should make you feel you are walking on eggshells, afraid, anxious, or uncomfortable. That nervousness isn’t attraction, it’s your gut telling you this person isn’t good for you.

But it’s something that so many young people work through that it’s become normal to be with someone who makes demands and tells them what to do.

You should be able to be yourself when you are with them, not pretend to be the person you think they want.

You don’t have to look or act a certain way to receive love

I tried to make myself as conventionally attractive as possible. I dressed as sexy as I could (like the girls in the videos), wore designer clothes, tried to “treat them mean to keep them keen”, and was anyone other than myself.

I believed I had to put on an act to find a boyfriend, and be what they wanted.

We see our kids all dressing and acting the same, in an attempt to fit in and be popular. It’s tough for them to step away from these narratives, at a time when their friendships are the most important things in their world.

Now, all I talk about is to be yourself and find people who appreciate who you truly are. That’s how you find someone who is right for you — friends and partners.

We all deserve love, and we shouldn’t have to pretend to be anyone to receive it.

If someone wants you to be something else, they are not the person for you, and you, are not the person for them. And that’s fine. You deserve better.

Violence is NEVER acceptable

We shouldn’t even have to go there but unfortunately, teenage partner abuse is more common than we would like to believe.

I never thought I would put up with someone hitting me. I spent nine years with him.

Violence can be downplayed and renamed passion, fire, and love. “I can’t control myself when I’m with you, the feelings are so strong.”

It’s none of those things. It’s abuse.

Changing the narrative

My self-esteem was low during my late teens and early twenties. I looked outside of myself to find love because I didn’t feel enough within myself. When I did find something that resembled some sort of love, I clung to it desperately. Any love was better than no love and my perception of what love was, was flawed.

Rising mental health issues are hurting the self-esteem of our young people, which also increases the chances of unhealthy relationships.

Let’s build up our younger generations to feel enough. To feel secure in who they are, and to be aware that they deserve the very best life has to offer them including love and respect.

Let’s start sharing our stories of healthy love, and successful relationships. With other people and with ourselves.

I know they rarely want to talk to us about anything, let alone private relationships and feelings. They’d much rather talk to their friends. So, let’s keep the lines of communication open, judgement reserved, and show them what love is.

We approach awkward conversations with an open mind, and, even if we haven’t been successful in our romantic relationships, we can still show them how to love, appreciate, and respect ourselves and each other.

And maybe that will do us some good too.