This is Why I Still Panicked Over the Little Things
It took me years to stop telling myself off for getting little things wrong:
Putting the washing out on a day when it rains.
Spilling or breaking something.
Forgetting or losing something.
Making a mistake.
Misunderstanding someone.
Not getting all my work done for the day.
Coming home with the tags still on something.
Missing out on something.
Messing up dinner.
Wasting money — even £1.00.
Even instances beyond my control such as traffic, the weather spoiling plans, and the price of something going up would provide me with opportunities to berate myself.
I was always so hard on myself. I would take these things so seriously, it honestly felt like it was the end of the world. I would say horrible things to myself.
My husband would constantly tell me to go a bit easier on myself, that it wasn’t a big deal, that it didn’t matter.
But it did matter to me, very much so, and now I know why.
Our brains change when we are subjected to domestic abuse.
The brain changes to help us through the stressful, painful times we have found ourselves trapped in. These changes are vital for our survival at the time, but they take a long time to revert once we are out of the relationship and safe.
When living with domestic abuse, we live our lives in self-preservation mode, always ready to fight, flee, or freeze at any given moment. The unpredictability of our partner’s moods and the ever-present risk of being hurt (emotionally or physically) prevent us from letting our guard down.
This means that our body is continuously flooded with the stress hormone, cortisol. Heart palpitations, digestive issues, headaches, panic attacks, and brain fog become common occurrences.
Cortisol stimulates the part of our brain that responds to the fight-or-flight mode (the amygdala). This over-stimulation causes the amygdala to grow, and we learn to primarily react from this part of our brain.
Conversely, cortisol impairs the functioning of the part of our brain responsible for processing our memories — sending them from our short-term memory bank to our long-term memory bank. Hence, when we leave, we get stuck in the past. Our memories are not being sent into our long-term memory bank. We believe they are recent memories and we are therefore still in danger.
This explains why seemingly insignificant, small issues are such a big deal for us survivors. We perceive every little thing as a threat to our safety.
It can also explain why many of us take on behaviours such as perfectionism, obsessively checking plans and details. We still struggle to think things through logically because that part of our brain is under-performing due to the dominance of our amygdala. We need explanations that leave nothing unsaid. Otherwise, we fill in the blanks from the viewpoint of our primal emotions and fight-or-flight responses rather than from a place of logical reasoning.
This makes so much sense to me!
I remember being physically hurt for cooking a deep-pan pizza rather than a thin and crispy one.
Any little mistake would bring embarrassment, ridicule, or anger.
I was lazy if I did not get everything done each day.
I was stupid if I didn’t understand something.
I was incompetent and useless if I couldn’t do something.
And I was always doing something wrong.
Yet, it was also my responsibility to deal with every issue, problem, or mistake he caused. Everything was my fault. I was therefore constantly at risk of being emotionally or physically hurt.
During the last couple of years of the relationship, the physical violence reduced drastically. To the point where I convinced myself he had changed. But he hadn’t changed, my brain had. I was operating solely from my amygdala, which kept me on high alert all the time, scanning for danger. I was not giving him any reason to resort to physical violence.
I believed my body would not take another beating — it was so tired (from consistently high-stress levels). I was having heart palpitations constantly and sharp pains would shoot through my heart every time I was subjected to more emotional abuse. I was holding onto extra weight, and I would see abuse wherever I looked.
And then one day, the fear that was keeping me locked in this relationship (leaving was too much of a risk) flipped.
My son was brushing his teeth and said to me, “Dad scares me sometimes, especially when he goes crazy.” My amygdala picked up on his fear and suddenly staying became more of a risk than leaving.
We were gone the next week.
So you see, this reptilian part of our brain plays an important part in our survival, and we should be grateful for its ability to keep us safe.
But we should also be aware of the effect it has on our thoughts and feelings, long after we have removed ourselves from the danger.
It’s completely understandable that we still overreact to the little things, but now we recognise why, we can remind ourselves that these things really aren’t a big deal. They no longer pose a risk to our health, well-being, and safety.
These changes to our brains start to reverse as we move further away from our past lives and build a safer place for ourselves. Therapy such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) can help the process. Regular, guided meditation can also help, which could be why I have made such big steps in my healing over the last couple of years.
Since January 2021, I have been doing guided meditations almost every day. Coupled with a daily yoga/pilates practice, I have noticed a clear increase in my patience levels. I am calmer, better able to cope with inconveniences and emergencies, and I take myself a lot less seriously.
I have been surprising myself lately with my ability to laugh at my mistakes and let the little things go.
Maybe it’s because my brain has reverted to “normal.” As a result, I am no longer operating from a place of fight or flight, and have managed to finally pass my memories from the past into my long-term memory bank. This explains why I am no longer triggered.
The level of risk has dramatically reduced as I have built a warm and loving environment around me.
It’s taken a very long time, but finally, I can look at my actions and reactions with a level of understanding and compassion. I wasn’t being dramatic or silly when something small would set me off. I believed my safety was at risk.
I have always been acting in my best interests, and for that, I must thank myself.