I’ve Come a Long Way From the Girl Who Was Told What Time to Go to Bed Every Night

“Can you hurry up and drink your coffee, I want to get to the Christmas tree farm when it opens.”

“Yes, I’m almost done”, my husband replied, amusement twinkling in his eyes. He knows how much I love this annual event.

An insignificant conversation to many, but as I stood there brushing my teeth, bubbling with excitement, I realised how far I had come from the girl who was abused for nine years.

During those years I would not have dared tell my partner to hurry up, and certainly wouldn’t have demanded that he spent his time doing something I wanted to do.

My role in the relationship was to tend to his needs and wants, mine were unimportant.

I was certainly never free to throw myself into something I love with the gusto I now approach the festive season. I’m sure the gusto gathers more momentum every year.

I thought back to how else I have changed throughout my healing journey, and how my life has changed. Simply because I am free to be myself and am not afraid of the repercussions of putting my needs and wants first now and again.

I can say no to sex

I say no way more than my husband would like. But that doesn’t mean I feel obligated in any way to say yes when I am tired or not in the mood.

It took me a while to realise that I didn’t have to say yes all the time. That it was ok to say no.

I was often punished if I did not have sex. He didn’t physically force me; it was more subtle than that. It involved not speaking to me the next morning and being very quick to anger until I gave in. The next day would be filled with fear and apprehension, as I tried to make amends for falling asleep too quickly and ignoring his needs.

Sex is important in our relationship but happens when we both want it. My enjoyment is as important as his, and because we are so comfortable with each other, it’s extremely good.

I can say yes to friends and family without asking for permission

I still get a rush of freedom every time I say yes to someone. I can decide without asking my husband if it’s ok.

A few days away, yes sure! A girly day out, can’t wait!

I do still kind of check-in, especially if it’s a big commitment, but that comes from a place of respect, not fear. And it’s not to get permission it’s to let him know what I have agreed to.

I rarely went out when I was with my ex. Even when he did give me his permission, he would make it as uncomfortable and inconvenient as possible for me to go. Once out, I would have to text or call him repeatedly and would have a curfew.

Nowadays, when I am out or away, I rarely look at my phone until it’s time to let him know I am on my way home. I am never sure what time that text will be.

It feels good to be unaware of the time passing.

I can go to bed and get up when I want

Luckily my husband is an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person, as am I. But I often go up a bit earlier than him and get up a bit earlier than him too. I like to have some quiet time to myself before I start my day.

This is in stark contrast to the years spent waiting to be told it was time to go to bed. If I woke up earlier, I would have to lie there in silence until he was ready to get up.

Having a bath was something I had to do when he was busy or not around. I was expected to be at his beck and call at all times.

It’s lovely to go to bed at the same time and cuddle up, it’s equally as nice to have a bit of a lie-in together. But, if I want to have an early night with a book, that’s exactly what I will do. The choice is mine.

I don’t have to spend evenings stuck by his side

To be honest, I normally do. But that’s because we want to spend time together, not because I am expected to be tending to his needs and wants 24/7.

I am a homebody and love being indoors, but he encourages me to go out with friends or do something I want to do, such as exercise or writing. He knows that’s good for me, and that it makes me feel good afterward.

My well-being never used to matter, my time was not my own to spend as I pleased. I was expected to do something with him, for him, or something that he had decided would be good for us, such as studying.

My husband doesn’t need my undivided attention the entire time we are both at home, and I get to choose my hobbies and passions.

I feel no resentment

Because our life together is not all about his needs, I genuinely want him to be happy and have everything he desires. His happiness makes me happy, and it gives me pleasure to see him treating himself and doing things for himself. I know he feels the same way about me.

I didn’t feel that with my ex. Our relationship was focused on his needs, which had to be met whether we had enough money or not. I had to give him unlimited time and energy, despite how empty or busy I was.

Him being happy kept me safe, it did not bring the joy to my heart that I now feel with my husband. I resented everything he bought for himself and everything I did for him.

Heartfelt generosity is a sign of love and appreciation — it’s nice to be able to give and receive it.

I dress down or up, for myself

There are no expectations for me to look a certain way. I’m never criticised for looking a mess, and never told what to wear.

My husband makes me feel desirable no matter what I look like. He appreciates the way I look when I make an effort to get dressed up. And I enjoy the attention I get from him and the looks of desire he throws my way. But the way I dress has more to do with how it makes me feel.

Very different from the critical stares and comments I would get when trying to portray myself as the trophy girlfriend my ex demanded.

My clothes are a reflection of the style, mood, and image I would like to portray, not my husband’s.

I can let my moods show

If I am upset with him, I can tell him. I can sulk, be grumpy, down in the dumps, excited, and silly. I can show my moods whether they are good or bad. And I can apologise if I am in the wrong.

I daren’t show any emotion to my ex, my feelings were unimportant. They were disregarded or used against me for so long that they finally turned themselves off.

It feels good to be able to let it all out.

I can laugh

With him and without him. I have a good time when I am not with him because I am not worried about missing a call or text, or what time I must be in.

Whilst my husband lives in my heart, he is not always on my mind. I can be present when out with others instead of thinking about what I am going home to. I look forward to getting home because I am not worried about what mood he will be in.

We can laugh together, with and at each other and ourselves. There is a lightness to our relationship.

I did have moments of laughter in my previous relationship. That’s what people tend to misunderstand. My life wasn’t all pain and sadness. If it was, I would have left a lot sooner — he knew this. So he would randomly turn on the charm and good times, which did include some fun.

But in between these fleeting moments were times of deep darkness. Joy left my being for a long time. But it has returned in all its warm and fuzzy glory.

I can love

I am fully open to giving and receiving love, kindness, respect, and appreciation. To and from my husband, children, family, friends, colleagues, and anyone else that crosses my path. My heart is free.

Love used to equal pain, it was used as a bargaining tool. It was taken away when I did something wrong and drip-fed when things were as he wanted and expected.

My heart was broken, so it wasn’t just loving him that hurt. I was unable to love anyone properly. Most importantly I was unable to love myself.

My heart is now open, trusting, and full, and that shows in my eyes, my smile, and my hugs.

It’s the Little Things

These things will seem insignificant, and normal, to someone who has always enjoyed healthy relationships and healthy self-esteem. But, to those of us who have been hurt in the name of love, they are momentous. Because they all mean one thing:

FREEDOM.

• Freedom that most of us take for granted.

• Freedom that many of us have had taken away at some point in our lives.

I can be myself, I can voice my opinions and disappointments, I can show my emotions, and I can do what I like when I like.

I can breathe.

I have come so far from the dark days of power, control, manipulation, and abuse. I feel love and joy in my heart, I can sleep peacefully, and I can make my own choices.

The sunny days of light, love, and contentment that seemed so unattainable during those dark days, are here.

I’m not sure the healing journey will ever end, but I’m at a great resting place.

A place where I hope to see many more victims and survivors of domestic abuse.