The Heartbreaking Truths About Leaving an Abusive Relationship

When you leave an abusive relationship, everyone around you sighs with relief. Finally, it’s over. Everyone can stop worrying and you are free to get on with your life.

You can put it all behind you and move on, free as a bird.

Unfortunately, it’s nowhere near over.

Yes, it’s the biggest, most important step towards ending the nightmare you found yourself in. But it’s only the beginning of the next chapter of domestic abuse. The chapter on coming to terms with everything that happened and realising how much damage has been caused.

It’s the chapter before the healing journey chapter can begin. And it’s full of ups, downs, and uncertainty, as you navigate your mind and body through this heartbreaking time.

Some days you will question whether it would have been easier to stay. Don’t give in to the lies your mind will tell you. Going back may seem easier right now, but it is never the right thing to do. Many of you know this because you have left and returned numerous times before.

Just be aware that the bumps will come and trust that you will get over them.

As heartbreaking as some of these truths are, staying will only lead to even more heartache.

Your relationships with others have been affected

Over the years you have pulled away from many people, kept stuff from them, and let them down. You will feel guilty for treating them badly and you may even be too embarrassed to contact them again after you leave. Why would they want to hear from you now, after you have blanked them and let them down for so long?

Worst of all, the most important relationship of all, the one you have with yourself, has been severely damaged. Your self-esteem and self-worth have been destroyed.

Your loved ones will expect you to bounce back into being “you”, they just want you to be happy again. But that doesn’t happen overnight.

I don’t think I will ever return to the person I was before the abuse. The knowledge and self-awareness you gain from this awful situation never leave you.

But, you know what else never leaves you? Your light, your fire, your smile, and your heart. They may well be dimmed to near extinction, but they are still there and they will return.

You will be judged

People don’t mean to judge, they simply make assumptions based on their own experiences. Which, unless they have been through it, is severely limited when it comes to domestic abuse.

My mum supported me as best as she could when I left, even taking the stand in court, despite her house windows being bricked shortly before. But a few years ago, we were talking about everything that happened and she commented “Lis, you were so weak when you were with him. You just done whatever he told you to.” Luckily, I had gone through a lot of healing by this point so didn’t take the comment to heart. Although, it did shock me to think that she saw this as being weak.

The judgments will sting because your self-esteem is low. They will cause you to feel shame and embarrassment. Try not to take them literally and remind yourself of that person’s ignorance when it comes to your situation. Replace their narrative with your own — you know better than they do.

Everyone will give you advice

They mean well and genuinely want to help, but their advice is based on their perception of what you are going through. They will tell you how you are better off without your ex, how there’s plenty more fish in the sea, and how it’s time you moved on.

They can’t feel your emotional pain, and you will be reluctant to share how you are truly feeling because they won’t understand. They aren’t aware of the extent of the damage that was caused. After all, most of it is invisible.

You are the only expert in your situation. So, take what helps, from people you trust or those that understand your situation, and leave what doesn’t.

Shame and guilt will pop up everywhere

A small comment, something your children say, the inability to buy or do something, knowing you don’t have much, a flashback, admitting to something you did; all these things and much more will activate the shame and guilt that currently bubbles within you. They both lie just below the surface, ready to make an appearance at the slightest bit of encouragement.

I was fortunate to have the support of a women’s refuge when I left, but the fact that I did not have an address for 8 months caused numerous flashes of shame. Trying to explain to my 7-year-old why he couldn’t invite his friends around for tea made me feel so guilty.

These feelings invade your thoughts constantly, knocking you back just when you think you are getting somewhere.

No matter what your situation is after leaving, you have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty. You have shown strength and courage to get yourself out of a situation you did not choose to be in.

Your ex will switch on the charm and revert to the person you fell in love with

Right at the precise moment you are missing your ex, they will start love-bombing you again. They will say what you want to hear to get their way. They are master manipulators and will morph back into the person they were when you met.

This is an act, they don’t love you, and they’re not sorry.

And, when the charm fails to work, they will switch into their Mr Hyde (Jekyll and Hide) persona and start threatening you, verbally abusing you, and will use the kids or who and whatever else they can to gain back control of the situation.

It is normal to miss your ex. You loved them, and they occupied your thoughts 24/7. Of course, you will miss them. But that does not mean you should go back.

Every time I felt myself weakening or yearned for contact I would remind myself of why I had to move miles away from everyone I loved. I also thought back to all the times I left before, and how much I regretted those decisions to return.

They treated you badly, made you feel that you were to blame for this treatment and put you in the situation you are in now. They do not deserve you.

You will struggle to make decisions and trust yourself

Time and time again I ignored the red flags and the alarm bells of my intuition. Therefore, I could not be trusted to act in my best interests.

I had the freedom of choice taken away from me for so many years, when I first went food shopping after I left, I struggled to decide what food to buy for me and my son. My 7-year-old son couldn’t decide what chocolate bar he wanted — he wasn’t used to being given a choice.

The relationship with yourself is in tatters and your mind is still foggy. Therefore, even simple decisions will seem difficult. You will question yourself over little things and build them up into big things.

You are still in fight or flight mode, so everything still has consequences and you are terrified of making the wrong choice.

It gets easier, the more choices and decisions you make. You will learn to trust yourself again.

No one else can “fix” you

Only you can place yourself on your healing journey. Another relationship will keep you away from the right track.

Many of us rush into another relationship because we crave love and attention. We are unable to give it to ourselves at this point, so we need someone else to provide it.

However, this dependency on another will only attract the wrong sort of person. The relationships that need your attention are the ones with yourself and with your children if you have them.

I got stuck in the cycle of unhealthy relationships after leaving my abusive ex. It was only when I took a break to focus on myself that I found the type of relationship I deserved. One full of love, care, and respect.

I found that love and respect from within first, which attracted someone who is now my husband. We have been happily married for 7 years but I would not have met him had I not worked on the relationship with myself first.

You will feel lonely

Not many people around will understand where you are at, and you will struggle to explain to those you love how you feel. Of course, people will want to help, and it feels nice to have their support and attention, but they are limited in what they can do.

We are often the ones who have to move out or away. The ones who have to give everything up, just to get away from the abuse. It’s not fair but it’s often the safest way to do it. They will move on quickly whilst you are still struggling to pick up the pieces and form any sort of normality.

Despite having a very supportive family, I often felt lonely during those first few months. I had to move miles away from everyone I knew and found it hard to make friends. I got to know a lot of people and they were all lovely, but my defences were up so I never let any of them in.

I struggled to explain how I was feeling because I believed no one would be interested. The shame I felt about my situation also prevented me from getting too close to the people I met.

It can be easy to pull away even further when you get struck by this loneliness but try to keep the lines of communication open with those you trust. They will not have the answers, but they can be a comforting presence.

You will have down days

It can often seem like you are taking one step forward, and two steps back.

Accepting you have been abused will make you feel weak. This is not the case, it took super-human strength to get through every day, month, and year you were with them.

You will struggle to believe you are enough. This belief of never being enough was drummed into you whilst in the relationship, and it will stay with you until you start working on your self-worth.

You are processing a lot of negativities and it is impossible to remain positive all the time. These down days are not backward steps, they are simply reminders that you still have work to do.

And when you start moving forward again, you are not starting from the beginning. You are starting from where you left off before the backward step. You are still making progress.

Even after 18 years, I get the odd wobble, but they are nowhere near as frequent, or as intense as what they were. I can deal with them quickly and easily because I understand that it’s my body’s way of letting go of things that need release. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, it’s a normal response to what I have dealt with over the years.

You will continue to abuse yourself

Those narratives that were driven into you — “you are nothing, useless, fat, ugly, worthless, unimportant”, “you mess everything up, you can’t do anything right”, have become beliefs. You will repeat them to yourself over and over again.

You will continue to treat yourself badly until you realise that the way you are talking to yourself is no better than the way they used to talk to you.

One day, I caught myself looking in the mirror and speaking to myself with hatred and disgust. I was shocked at the venom that was running through my mind and the words of abuse and disrespect. I was abusing myself.

This was a wake-up call to start treating myself with love and compassion. How would I ever heal if I carried on talking to myself like that?

Going Back Is Not an Option

This all sounds extremely difficult, and it is. However, the alternative is not acceptable. Whilst you may try to make excuses about them promising to change, or convince yourself that you can handle the situation, if you go back, the emotional damage will continue to build up. You will disappear even further, and your body will start to suffer. Your life will never be your own.

Going back is not an option, taking one step and day at a time is the only option that will take you to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t expect to get through this in a matter of months but recognise every little step that takes you away from your past and further into your present and future, without them.

You can do this

Don’t underestimate how far you come each day.

When emotions come flooding in, find a safe space and allow them to flow through you. Yes, they are painful, but holding them in will cause even more pain. Most importantly, these feelings are normal and an important part of your healing.

Before you can start the healing process, you need to prove to yourself that it is safe to do so. So, treat yourself with as much love and compassion as you can.

If you have not had any support with leaving, find a group of other survivors where you can express your thoughts and feelings without feeling judged (many domestic abuse charities have helplines, these aren’t just for those wishing to leave the relationship).

You have done the right thing, you are not going back and you will get through this. I promise.

All of these challenges you must work through are worth it. A life of love, happiness, and freedom is waiting on the other side of them.