Are They Being a Bad Friend, or Is Something Else Going On?
I was recently sitting in a sauna with my husband. There were a group of women in there and due to the proximity of everyone I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.
They were talking about a mutual friend who had deleted them all as friends on Facebook. Just one woman from that friend group was still connected to this person and she shared that the mutual friend had defriended lots of people on Facebook and was now only connected with her partner’s friends.
They collectively started to criticise this woman for never being in touch, pulling away from them, and spending all her time with her new boyfriend and his friends. They felt they had been replaced and were upset about the way this woman was treating them. They decided to oust this friend and let her get on with her life with her new boyfriend.
It could well be that she is indeed being a bad friend and ditching her girls, the people who have always been there for her, in favour of her new boyfriend.
But there could be another reason for her gradual departure from the group. And, unless you’ve been there or know someone who has, this alternative reason is not something you will automatically take into consideration.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, everything they were saying was setting off alarm bells.
Isolation is a key tactic of an abuser. It is an important step towards their ultimate goal, which is to have full control of their partner.
If she doesn’t have anyone to turn to, she will not realise how badly she is being treated. If she has no one looking out for her, the abuse will go unnoticed. If she is not talking to anyone outside of his circle, she will not be encouraged to leave.
Pulling away from family and friends is a common sign that someone could be in an abusive relationship. It’s not a choice she will want to make, it’s one she has to make, for her safety- and possibly for yours too.
He will be turning her against you. Fabricating stories of how you are not good for her, that you are lying to her, or talking about her behind her back.
He will be telling her that no one understands her like he does.
He will be setting and enforcing an expectation that she does not talk to anyone about their personal business.
She will be in fear of going against his orders, which could be not to contact or see you.
Seeing or speaking to you may be too painful, as it’s a reminder of everything she has lost.
She no longer has anything to say to you because her life is now far removed from yours.
She can no longer enjoy herself when she is out because she is always worrying about what mood he will be in when she gets back.
It’s less risky to stay in and stop talking to everyone outside of the bubble he has got her trapped in.
If one of your girls is starting to pull away, before you pass judgement, consider that she may not be choosing her actions and behaviours.
Before brushing her off because she has hurt or upset you, ask yourself if she could be hurting too.
Has her new relationship become serious really quickly?
Has she been distracted lately?
Is she time-watching a lot? Always rushing to get home?
Is she always checking her phone when I am with her?
Has she ever treated me/us like this before?
Is she acting like a completely different person?
Has she become less open about her life?
Have I noticed bruising or marks on her skin?
There could be a lot of reasons for the above, some of which have nothing to do with domestic abuse. Not all friendships are destined to last forever, we sometimes grow in different directions. Or, it may be the case that she is taking you for granted.
However, do bear in mind that your friend could have found herself in an abusive relationship.
Whatever is going on, judgement and assumptions will not help the situation. A conversation is needed.
Domestic abuse is often contained within the four walls of the home and she could have a lot more going on in her life that you aren’t taking into consideration. It’s not an easy subject to broach, but you don’t need to blurt out the word “abuse”.
Before you bring up the fact that you are not happy with the way she is treating you, ask if she is ok. Is everything ok at home? Or mention you are worried about her because her behaviour seems to have changed. Before you pass judgement, approach the situation with compassion and curiosity
Please don’t close the door on her until you have attempted to understand what is going on in her life.
Despite appearances, she may need you now more than ever.
If that is the case, she doesn’t need you to save her, she just needs to know you are there for her. That is all you can do, and that is enough.