Lessons We Learn From Being in an Abusive Relationship
It was once insinuated that I had to go through the years of abuse I endured to become the person I am today.
This was put on a public platform by someone I had permitted to share parts of my story. I wasn’t happy.
Whilst my past has shaped aspects of my personality, I have always been a good person. I didn’t need to spend nine years in an abusive relationship to uncover my good points.
However, years down the line, I can look back upon the lessons learned whilst in the relationship and throughout my healing journey.
Not all of them are bad.
Let’s start with the bad. Lessons I wish I had never learned.
There are some nasty people out there
Some people will intentionally make you feel bad so that they can feel better about themselves. They will lie to your face, play with your emotions, and deplete you of all that you are. They will drain your energy and still want more from you. They will intentionally kick you down — both physically and emotionally.
A lot of them come wrapped in a disguise that hides their cruel persona beneath good looks, charm, and a false personality.
I once wrote my ex a letter, in which I said, “You brought a level of violence and fear into my life that I never knew existed”.
I had never experienced such cruelty before I met him.
You can’t trust everyone who tells you they love you
Just because someone tells you they love you, it doesn’t automatically mean they want the best for you or will treat you with the care and respect you deserve.
Some people use this word as a bargaining tool or as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. And they can use it without any meaning behind it.
Love is just a word until actions back up the declaration.
“Love” kept me going back each time I left.
If love hurts, it isn’t love
“Love is pain.” “Love hurts.” Sayings that are thrown around as a reason to put up with being treated badly.
If someone is regularly causing you pain, and hardship or expecting you to do things that you don’t want to do, they do not love you.
Love brings tears of joy, contentment, and laughter, not tears of sadness, hopelessness, and pain.
I learned how to cry silently and invisibly, over the years. We should never have to hide our tears.
Fear makes you do strange things
When you are genuinely fearful of someone you will do anything to keep them calm and prevent them from getting angry. Survival is our primal instinct and if we are at risk of being hurt, we will go to extraordinary measures to prevent it.
I did things I was not proud of while I was in an abusive relationship. Things that went against my morals and values. But saying no was not an option. I became a great liar, even to myself.
Someone doesn’t need to lay their hands on you for you to fear them
The saying “sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt me”, should read “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will make me believe I deserved it”.
Emotional, psychological, and financial abuse and coercive control are all ways in which someone can control us without ever laying a hand on us. They will break you down until you feel worthless. This emotional pain you experience is strong enough for you to fear their words and actions, some of which may almost seem normal to the hidden eye. But you learn the hidden meaning of these behaviours — you must stay in your place.
Physical violence is often the last resort when the abuser feels they have lost control despite using their other methods. Over the last few years of our relationship, the physical violence calmed down a lot. This was because I had learned how to manage his moods. The fear remained though.
No one truly knows what goes on inside someone else’s home
We all make judgements based on the information people choose to share, and in most cases, domestic abuse is a hidden crime. We are too ashamed and afraid to share what is going on.
Abusers normally put on their best behaviour when out in public, portraying themselves as the loving partner/parent. They used veiled threats to keep their victims in line whilst keeping up the appearance of a stable, loving family home.
Whilst my family, close friends, and colleagues knew what was going on, they had no idea how bad it actually was. And other people we knew were completely unaware of how he was treating me.
Continuously acting against your morals and values takes its toll
Our morals and values are an integral part of our internal guidance system, which provides a compass toward a life of contentment, satisfaction, and well-being.
When we consistently act in a way that contradicts our morals and values, we start to suffer from cognitive dissonance and this sends us into a state of confusion. We devalue ourselves because we are being someone other than the person we truly are.
Continuously ignoring our gut instincts and going against them ruins the trust we have in ourselves.
The relationship we have with ourselves is destroyed and it takes a long time to repair.
But it’s not all bad, I have learned some lessons that continue to serve me well
We don’t know how strong we can be until that strength is needed
The strength will come from out of nowhere to propel us forward. We often doubt our capabilities or resilience but we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
I used to believe that I was weak for staying so long in an abusive relationship, but now I can appreciate the strength it took to get through each day. I see this strength every day in others who have overcome struggles or who are currently living in a challenging environment.
Empathy
The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Every difficulty we experience, and every challenge we overcome, enables us to become more attuned to someone else’s suffering and hardship.
I have become much more aware of other people’s feelings, discomfort, and loneliness. Obviously, I can empathise strongly with other victims and survivors of domestic abuse, but it’s not limited to that.
I can empathise with people who have found themselves in all types of struggles. I hate to think someone feels alone or left out and do my best to make people around me feel that they belong.
I know how rubbish it is to feel rubbish within yourself, so I do what I can to make people feel good about themselves.
Your heart will mend
When your heart is broken you fear it will never be the same. It hardens and forms a protective barrier that seems impenetrable. And it silences your emotions because they are too painful.
It’s hard to believe that there can be any coming back from the trauma it has endured.
The lack of trust in your judgement stops you from putting your heart back out there and it takes a conscious effort to open up and let another person in.
I had to talk myself into allowing myself to fall in love. There was a clear moment of, “Should I, Shouldn’t I”. But once I did, my heart overflowed with all that love it had kept hidden away for so many years.
This love wasn’t just directed to my new partner, it overflowed into myself and everyone else around me.
My heart didn’t just mend, it came back stronger than ever and continues to grow to this day.
There is life after domestic abuse
While you are living in an abusive relationship you can’t see a way out or a life without struggle. You are made to believe that staying is better than leaving. You can’t see much further ahead than the next few days or months.
You’re made to feel unloveable. You do not deserve happiness or an easy life.
You live in a black hole and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what keeps us trapped for so long.
But my journey from victim to survivor to thriver has proved that there is life, love, and happiness after domestic abuse. And the more I write about my experiences the more I get to hear about other journeys of finding peace after domestic abuse.
There are many of us enjoying life despite past abuse. Domestic abuse does not have to be a life sentence.
There are some lovely people out there
When you are surrounded by people who do not care about you, or when those closest to you treat you badly, you forget that there are lots of lovely people around.
Your world shrinks as you withdraw further and further from life outside of the relationship.
But, as you open up, ask for help, and speak to people who understand your situation or experiences, you realise that not everyone is bad. People genuinely want to help.
And the further away you get from the abusive relationship, the more you relax and the more visible your lovely self becomes. You start to notice the kindness of others and you start to attract the love and respect you deserve.
My world was once filled with liars, cheats, criminals, and mistrust. Now I am surrounded by love, acceptance, and appreciation.
They say everything happens for a reason. I have been away from the abuse for 18 years and I am still to discover an acceptable reason for the pain and suffering I endured. I know I didn’t deserve any of it, and I’m done with trying to find a logical explanation.
But I can share my lessons learned to prevent others from going through the same thing or staying as long as I did. I can help victims, survivors, and thrivers feel less alone and better understood as they navigate the ups and downs of their journeys.
That has to be reason enough.