Why I Have Found It So Hard To Set and Achieve My Goals

Despite being a coach and therefore knowing how important and effective setting goals can be I am terrible at doing it for myself!

My goal setting workbooks and coaching have helped many people achieve clarity on what they want and have motivated them to take the action required to fulfil their dreams and achieve their goals. I know that big goals should be broken down into small, achievable goals. I know that goals should be “SMART” – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timely. I know that goals should provide motivation, encouragement and be slightly challenging. I know that you should reward yourself for each bit of progress, to keep you going. I know that goals should be flexible and open to a change in direction.

I also know that the purpose of a goal is not the achieving of it, it is the journey to the destination that provides the satisfaction, personal growth and fulfilment. It is the person you become as a result of working towards a goal that is the most rewarding.

I know all of this ! And I know it works !  

So why do I struggle to take my own advice ?!

Why do I set goals with great excitement, lovingly make perfect little lists (all colour coded of course), plot my dates in my diary ……… and then the dates come and go with little progress towards anything I “committed” to. In the meanwhile, I have become distracted by some other whim so decide that the initial goals weren’t really my goals anyway and start working on a whole new set of goals.

Now, I know this dilemma is very common amongst many of us, not just those that have experienced domestic abuse. However, it dawned me on the other day that there is one very good explanation that most definitely contributes to my goal setting challenges. It isn’t the only contributing factor but it is an important one that I must continue to work on :

Whilst in the abusive relationship I quickly learned that my wants and needs were not important and as a result I simply stopped wanting and needing anything. You see, that way, I was not upset nor disappointed when I didn’t get anything or when something I owned got broken. I had no possessions that I felt emotionally attached to nor had any dreams of my own. I just did what I was told – for example, if he wanted more money, I had to leave my job and get a job that paid better (whether I loved my current job or not), I did not choose anything in our house and any small, personal items I already had were just smashed, damaged or thrown away. My career dreams were shattered within months of meeting him. The only plans I could make were my daily plans of doing what I was told and preventing any arguments. My future was no longer within my control so rather than try to regain control I gave it away. On the odd occasion that I tried to make my own plans or go against his wishes I would get punished in some way so it was easier and safer to not want anything, not need anything and to go along with anything he suggested or decided. I was made to feel that I was unimportant and that my dreams were ridiculous.

Fast forward to now, many, many years later and my inability to stick to goals.

Whilst I am aware of my values (what is important to me), have the freedom to do and be anything I would like to be and have the support of my husband, I am absolutely rubbish at this goal stuff. And the simple reason is this :

I do not know what I want.

Well, I have an idea of what I want BUT I do not want it enough and in order to stick to goals you have to want them very much. You have to be able to feel what it is going to be like when you achieve them. You have to commit to them and use the anticipation of what it is going to be like when you get there to drive you forwards when the going gets tough. You also need to have a strong WHY to keep you going and going and going.

I am preventing myself from really, really wanting anything because of an out-dated self-preservation, coping mechanism. I am afraid of being honest about what I truly want because I hold a limiting belief that others will think it is ridiculous or my husband will no longer love me if I want something he does not agree with or my friends and family will think less of me because they do not agree. Low self-esteem results in high levels of self-doubt so whenever I set a goal and get to a sticky point I give in – I obviously cannot do it or it was obviously a ridiculous goal. I sabotage my efforts to find success in the places I want because of a deep-rooted belief that I do not deserve it. I set goals that are socially acceptable, based on what I think my husband/friends/family think I should do so that they do not think badly of me. The less I want, the easier and safer my life is and I will not get upset nor disappointed when I do not get it.

The thing is, these coping mechanisms and beliefs are from my past and they are not helping me anymore. In fact that are hurting me. They are preventing me from doing and being the person I truly want to be and I constantly feel that I am not fulfilling my potential and finding my purpose continues to elude me. They are stopping me from being the best person I can be and that upsets and disappoints me.

So what do I do ?

I turn to that courageous woman I was when I walked away, the one that stood up for herself and her son in the courtroom, the one that made a lovely life for herself and her children, the one that walked away from other unhealthy relationships because, despite desperately wanting to be in a relationship I knew that they were still not good enough. I continue to tell myself that I am enough, that I deserve the very best life has to offer. I recognise and remind myself of that burning desire I have to support other survivors to live their best lives and tell myself that I can do that. I decide to believe that my husband, family and friends just want me to be happy and love me for me, not for what I do for them or because I do what I am told.

I turn to me – to all of me. I listen to my heart and to my intuition and then give my head the space it needs to make sense of what my heart and intuition is saying. I give myself permission to truly and deeply want something, to even need such things. I use my thoughts to nurture myself rather than hold myself back. I treat myself with compassion, I use the courage I know I have and I allow myself the freedom to come up with MY creative ways of achieving my goals.

I believe that my 2022 goals are going to be very different ! I am ready to set MY goals, ones that set my heart on fire, that excite me, that motivate me to take action and I choose to believe that I can and I will !

Over to you …….

Lisa x

Live Your Dream picture by Alexas_Fotos on Pixabay.