Red Flags

I love the relationship based reality TV shows such as Married At First Sight and Love Island and I am not ashamed to admit it !

I find the dynamics of relationships really interesting and absolutely love watching people fall in love.

I think this has a lot to do with my experiences of domestic abuse, toxic relationships and then finding true, unconditional love with my husband. I have experienced the worst kind of relationship and am now experiencing the best kind of relationship so I can make a true comparison of how a bad relationship works and feels and how a good one works and feels.

I am currently watching Series 6 of Married At First Sight UK and there has been a lot of questions over one relationship, where one person is coming across as controlling and narcissistic. Their partner has decided to stay for another week despite there being “a couple of red flags”.

I am finding this rather uncomfortable to watch, as I know are many others. In my opinion, and I am aware that we only see a tiny snippet of their time together, this relationship needs to be stopped. There are many, small comments and actions that are “red flags” and indicate the likelihood of the beginnings of a toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationship.

The reason I am writing about this is because I feel that many “red flags” are dismissed by the person experiencing them (as were mine) and confused with sabotaging behaviour and “barriers” such as not letting your guard down, pushing away someone that is treating you well. The red flag is dismissed as just another thing that you are putting in the way of potential true love and companionship. It is overlooked and pushed away.

I labelled my red flags as alarm bells and they rang so very loud one day, when we were just at the dating stage.  At that time, I knew something was wrong with the way he was acting, there were literally big alarm bells going off, telling me to get out and stay out. Which is what I tried to do but he managed to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and staying. If I had have listened to those bells / red flags I would have saved myself from 9 years of abuse. However, I dismissed them – I was overthinking, being a drama queen, looking for a reason to push him away, as I did with everyone else.

There is a big difference between sabotaging behaviours, barriers and red flags / alarm bells.

Self-sabotage comes from a place of trying to protect yourself from perceived pain, it’s influenced by your past experiences. It is often caused by limiting beliefs and self-doubt. It is greatly influenced by your thoughts, your head brain. When putting up barriers, taking self-sabotaging action there is often a logical thought process that accompanies it – “I can’t show him how much I care because he might use that to take advantage of me. What if he doesn’t say I love you back ? Maybe I can just hint at it and see how he responds. No, that will still be too painful if he doesn’t respond in the right way. I’m just going to back off for a bit, if he really likes me, he will come after me.” “ This woman is way too good for me, I don’t know what she sees in me, she can’t possibly like me as much as she is saying. She will end up cheating on me. If I cheat on her first, then I will have the upper hand.”

The thoughts about ending a relationship that come from self-sabotage are a process. When asked, for example, why do you think you should end the relationship you can often come up with many, supposedly logical, reasons.

Red flags and alarm bells do not come from your thoughts and head brain. They come from your gut, your intuition or instinct. They make you feel uncomfortable. There is just “something not right”. It may be an action, the way they speak to you, the way they ignore you, the way they speak to others. You FEEL unsafe right now, rather than think you are unsafe or could possibly be hurt.

Red flags are everything to do with the feeling and knowing deep down that something is not right. It is only when we start thinking about them that we run the risk of dismissing or overlooking them. So, if a red flag appears or those alarm bells start ringing do not say to yourself “well there are a couple of red flags but it might be me so I will see how it goes”. Make sure you listen to your intuition and remove yourself from the situation / environment before you get an opportunity to justify or explain the situation away.

Remember, when starting a new relationship, it should always feel safe, even when things are a little bumpy. You should never feel that you cannot voice how you feel, you should always feel free to be you, always treat yourself with the love, respect and appreciation that you deserve and always demand the same from others.

If something feels wrong it almost always is.

Lisa x