I'm Fine

I remember when I felt I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I felt helpless, hopeless, alone, frightened, scared, confused. I could not believe I was in this position. How had I ended up here ? I always said that I would leave the minute a man put his hands on me.

But I was no longer the person I was before I met him. I was empty, I was nothing, I was hopeless, I was weak.

Yet, every day, I brushed myself off, went to work and pretended that everything was normal. I pretended that I was still that energetic, lively, happy, confident, ambitious person.

But they knew, they saw the marks and bruises, they witnessed my “shrinking” away, they felt the sadness within me. I was embarrassed, ashamed. I saw the pity in their eyes, I saw the confusion when they looked at me – why does she stay ? They wanted to treat me normally, as they had always done but how could they ? I was not the same person they had once known. I was always so very tired. Physically tired from the injuries, mentally tired from treading on eggshells all the time and trying to second guess what he wanted me to say and do, emotionally tired from blocking out the pain, shame, humiliation and embarrassment.

“Lisa, how can I help ?” That inevitable day came when my boss could stay silent no longer. He truly wanted to help, I saw it in his eyes but I couldn’t allow myself to let go and accept his offer. It was too dangerous, for him and for me. I couldn’t drag this wonderful, kind man into my nightmare.

So, I done as I was told. “I’m fine” I said and then kept my mouth shut.

Not long after I was forced to leave that job, my dream job with the wonderful prospects. As I got escorted out the door, with shame and humiliation burning my cheeks, I swallowed my tears, my feelings, my emotions. I kept my mouth shut and when a colleague asked me if I was ok I replied “I’m fine” and drove the journey home, back to my living nightmare.