Fleeing Domestic Abuse

Have you watched Maid on Netflix ?

It is a 10-part series about a young woman who flees an abusive relationship and tries to build a better future for herself and her 3 year old daughter.

Whilst this is a US based drama and the legalities are very different here in the UK, it resonated with me on so many levels. It touched upon many of the “invisible” effects of domestic abuse and how hard it is to prove emotional abuse and coercive control.

I am sure that everyone that watches this, whether they are a survivor themselves, been through it with a loved one or simply watched it out of interest, will pick up on different little things. For those of you that have watched I would love to know what resonated / triggered you – feel free to send me an email (lisajohnson@pearllifestyles.com).

It brought up the following points for me that I wanted to share with you ;

The black hole – you simply cannot see a way out. You believe that no-one can help you, particularly when you have left previously and then returned. They override you, belittle you, mock your judgements and decisions, take control of everything. You are left empty, hopeless and filled with despair. You have no energy, your mind is just a fog of uncertainty and confusion. How can you ever hope to get out of this hole ?

For so many years, I truly believed that there was no way out. It became even more impossible once I had a child with him.

You can get out of the black hole. Look out for the glimmers of light (hope), tell yourself that there is a brighter future and rather than try to get out of that hole in one big leap (which is impossible), focus on one small step at a time. Telephone a domestic abuse helpline, read stories of survivors of domestic abuse, hide a small bit of money, confide in someone you trust. There is a way out.

“I forgot what my favourite colour is” – as you emerge from a relationship where you have been controlled, told what to buy, how to dress, put down over how you look. Where your likes have been disregarded and the ability to choose has been taken from you, it takes a while for you to remember who you are.

I remember going food shopping for the first time after I had left and I did not know what to buy ! My son could not choose a chocolate bar ! We had not had the luxury of choice for a long time.

Again, start small. Buy what you would normally buy and just make a couple of changes. Think about what you liked before the relationship. It takes a while to be able to listen to what you want again so if you get an urge to wear something, eat something, buy something do it without overthinking it. I always remember my first purchase that made me feel a bit more free was a value tin of tuna ! I was not previously allowed to buy value items from the supermarket (no matter how little money we had) so this felt rebellious and good !

Sinking to her knees in despair – when she returned, after being at the shelter for the first time. That feeling of despair, despising yourself for being weak and returning. You can’t understand why you went back. But at the time, when everything is so uncertain, you are living in a shelter / refuge / staying at someone’s house it just feels safer to go back. You know what you are dealing with, they have turned on the charm and maybe they have changed. Maybe this is what they needed to see that they have been treating you wrong and they will never do it again.

But you quickly realise that nothing has changed, in fact it has just got a lot worse because they now feel they have even more control over you and you feel stupid, weak and embarrassed. Freedom seems even more unlikely.

I made many attempts to leave before finally getting away for good. One of those attempts was a women’s refuge and I stayed there for a couple of weeks. However, he managed to get in contact with me and persuaded me to return. I honestly felt, at the time, that it was in mine and my son’s best interest to go back. I felt someone else needed the place in the refuge more than I did. So, I returned, with our 2 year old son. I got “home”, sat on the sofa and immediately knew I had made a big mistake. The despair, hopelessness and embarrassment was overwhelming and I felt more trapped than ever.

It takes most people numerous attempts to leave an abusive relationship before they manage to stay away for good. These people that they “love” are manipulative, controlling and will do and say anything to get their own way. They can turn the charm on and off to suit their needs which leaves the victim feeling confused and uncertain. They play on the victims’ vulnerabilities, which are heightened when they leave the relationship.

The uncertainty of the future seems scarier on their own than with the person that may hurt them sometimes but can also make them feel loved and understood. After all, only they know the whole truth about the relationship and that bonds them together.

These are just a few of the things that resonated with me but before I sign off I want to share one last thing that really got me :

The drive to the college in Montana – the feeling of freedom, of hope, of excitement. She knew, at this point, that there was no going back. She was well aware of the challenges ahead, but she was now in control and she knew that the strength she had gained from finally freeing herself and her daughter from the damaging situation would carry her through anything.

My second refuge attempt was successful. As soon as my son and I were on the train with a few bags of belongings, I knew that this time there was no going back. I can’t explain what was different this time. All I can say is that it felt different – I was thinking of myself and my son only (rather than my partners feelings, wants and needs) and I knew it was the right thing to do. There was a strength, a determination and I was ready to jump into a new life where both my son and I were safe.

Many people are not fortunate enough to get a place at a refuge. However, no matter where we go, when we do leave we all share that feeling of being “ready to go”. Unfortunately, we cannot force ourselves nor push others to get to this stage of being ready. All we can do is help ourselves / others get there a bit quicker by focusing on that light at the top of the black hole. Keep reading the survivor stories, day-dream about the day when you are free, find out about support groups and charities in the area. Keep arming yourself with more information and knowledge so it becomes more and more possible. Knowledge is power and you can use that power to give you the strength you need to take those steps out of that black hole.

If you are interested in attending a weekly, online, support group for women survivors of domestic abuse that want to build a life of love, success, happiness and healthy relationships please do sign up to my interest list. There is so much power in a group of women that can support and motivate each other to achieve their goals and stand together when things get tough. Together we can all achieve our dreams !

Please click here to register your interest.

Alternatively please do join my private Facebook Group.

Wishing you lots of love and light.

Lisa x