Subtle Ways My Husband Encouraged Me to Let My Barriers Down

When I first met my husband I was ready to give up on dating. I was fed up with being let down, used, and hurt in the name of love (or potential love).

I had been in an abusive relationship for years, so my heart was surrounded by something akin to the Great Wall of China and I wondered if anyone would ever come close to breaking it down.

Was all this dating aggro worth it? I was happy with my life, and I knew how valuable peace was. With each date or short fling that ended in disappointment, I felt that protective shield strengthen. Was true love meant for me? Maybe I was better off on my own, that way I was not putting myself at risk of any more pain and discomfort.

However, as cliched as it sounds, the minute I stopped looking and yearning for love, it found me.

We enjoyed a pleasant first date, so there was no reason not to see him again. The second date was just as nice, so hey, let’s have another one. The dates started to mount up and we found ourselves seeing each other a couple of times a week.

The hope of some sort of future with this man started to seep into my thoughts. But I wasn’t ready to fall in love, the risk was still too high, and my heart was fearful.

So, we carried on seeing each other, with no expectations. We were just enjoying where we were at.

And then one day, whilst on only holiday with my family, I texted him good night and realised I was falling in love.

My immediate response was one of panic. My memories and emotional scars reminded me of what can happen when you fall in love with someone. But my heart whispered, “This is different”, and I felt dizzy with excitement and hope. Maybe this is what real love felt like!

What was different this time? Our blossoming relationship had started to comfort my fearful heart. He had started to scale that wall and was breaking through it, brick by brick.

It was not something he was doing intentionally. He knew about my past, so would tread carefully, but he also knew that it was not his responsibility to “fix” me.

The way our relationship naturally unfolded made me feel safe.

When we first met, I could sense that he was nervous, which immediately put me at ease. Sure, it’s not as alluring as cheeky over-confidence, but I wasn’t looking for a one-night stand, or any more heartache. I wanted to meet a long-term partner.

There was no pressure to behave in a certain way. He seemed to genuinely enjoy being with me, whether we were having a fun night out, a quiet evening in, or a walk and cup of tea. He gave me space to be myself and time to decide if I actually liked him.

There was never any drama. The rollercoaster ride I was accustomed to was nowhere in sight. I initially thought I might get bored. I was used to a lot of drama, tears, big downs, and big ups. Would this level-headed guy keep me interested? But that’s the thing with no drama, it’s anything but boring. You get to enjoy everything you do because you are more relaxed.

He took things slow. We didn’t rush into seeing each other all the time, he didn’t meet my children for months and we didn’t have sex for a while. I questioned if he liked me because I was used to moving quickly. Of course, he did, but I wasn’t used to being shown this much respect. I slowly realised he liked me a lot which was why he didn’t want to mess things up by pushing me and making me feel uncomfortable.

He listened to me. The first time we met, we were discussing past dating disasters and he mentioned that most of the women he had dated had been abused or had some ex still hanging around. My belly flipped as I explained that I also had been abused. If he decided that was a reason not to see me again then so be it, he was not the person for me.

But it didn’t faze him and as the months passed he listened to my stories with care and sympathy. He also listened to how my day at work had been, about my family, friends, and past. He was interested in me and that made me feel wanted and important.

He was clear about his intentions. He explained that he didn’t want to meet my children straight away in case it didn’t work out. But he made it clear that he hoped it would, it was just too soon to know for certain. As time went on, he stated that he wanted to see me more than just two evenings a week because he wanted things to progress. My trust in him grew as a result of this clarity.

There was no room for doubt. He always answered my texts, he called me regularly for a chat and was open about how much he liked me. He complimented me regularly, not in a love-bombing way. It was genuine and appreciative. I started to feel more confident in myself and more comfortable being my true self. He just wanted me to be me.

On the odd occasion when my insecurities and emotional scars did get the better of me, he would listen. He would stand up for himself if I was being unreasonable, but would always ensure we left the conversation on an amicable goodbye, with plans to see each other again. He knew that if we ended on a bad note we ran the risk of fading away from each other. This made it clear to me that he cared for me and wanted our relationship to work.

He wasn’t aware that his actions were placing me in a safe place, he was just being himself. A kind, generous, caring man. The sort of man that I believed would not be interested in me, because I was unworthy of their time and attention. He turned that belief upside down.

This man was confident enough in himself to be able to build his girlfriend up and give her the freedom to blossom. His healthy self-esteem allowed him to give himself completely to me and accept the love and attention I piled onto him. There were no conditions nor expectations, other than we treat each other right.

There was a point in our relationship that I will always remember because it was a big part of my healing journey.

The time came when I had to let him in completely or he would drift away. I had to release my heart from behind its protective wall and let it fall in love. That was the next step in our relationship and we could go no further without me taking it.

It was scary, what if I let him in and he started to hurt me? What if he didn’t feel the same way and had been using me all these months? What if he had lied about his life or kept things from me?

The wall I had been carrying around with me for years put up a fight. After all, it knew how much pain someone else could inflict on me, and how much long-term damage that would do.

But, over the months he had chipped away at that wall and the light and love shining through the gaps managed to get through to my heart. I made the conscious choice to let him in.

I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I let the bricks fall.

He made me feel so safe that I was the first one to mention the L word. It wasn’t planned, it just popped out. When he didn’t return those three words, I was slightly embarrassed but didn’t feel upset or worried that he may not feel the same way. I now felt secure enough in myself to share my love freely without the need to have it returned.

Of course, he returned the sentiment shortly afterward, with an explanation that he had been feeling it for a while but didn’t want to say it straight back. He wanted me to know that he truly felt it and wasn’t saying it because I had.

10 years on our love continues to grow, as does our freedom to be our true selves, secure in the knowledge that we will have each other’s backs and hearts “till death do us part”.