I Need You to Be There for Me, But I Can’t Be There for You Right Now
I am suffering but it is invisible to the eye, downplayed by the person causing it, and kept within the four walls of my home.
My physical bruises are normally hidden. He is often very careful about how and where he hurts me. However, most of my wounds and bruises are hidden in the depths of my soul.
But there are subtle signs I show, which give away my secret.
A lot of these signs can easily be mistaken for me being rude, inconsiderate, or uncaring. But you know me, I was never normally this selfish or self-centered. You can see that my behaviour has changed dramatically.
I’m finding it extremely difficult to get out of the situation I have found myself in. I’m doing the best I can to deal with these issues I face, but that often means I don’t treat you very well.
Hard to contact
I want to speak to you, I yearn for the comfort of my family and friends, but it’s no longer safe.
I can’t have a random chat with you if I am with him. He makes it as uncomfortable as possible to talk so I quickly end the conversation and place my attention back on him.
My phone is no longer mine, it’s ours. I have no privacy. When I do text, call, or stop to chat with you, I’m on the receiving end of dangerous glares that tell me to hurry up or there’ll be hell to pay afterward.
I am encouraged to limit the contact I have with you and repeatedly told that the only person who is truly there for me is him. Why do I need anyone else?
He makes it as difficult as possible for me to be contacted, limiting the opportunities for me to be talked into leaving. I have no personal space and am being kept in a state of confusion, reducing the possibility of me figuring out that I am being abused and doing something about it.
Time watching
I would love to spend time with you, but my time is no longer my own.
When I am allowed out, I will always have a curfew. I also have a long list of things to do before he gets home. I know I am always on my phone when I am with you, but I cannot miss a call and I must reply to a text straight away. If I don’t I will be accused of cheating, lying, or disrespecting him, and I will be punished.
I feel guilty for taking time out and doing something for myself. He has made it clear that my sole purpose within our relationship is to cater to his needs and wants, mine are unimportant.
I get tired of trying to explain why it is important for me to spend time with you, so I keep our time together as short as possible. I have learned it’s easier that way.
Lack of focus
I know I sometimes lose concentration when we are talking or doing something and I know I often seem distant. My mind is so fuzzy.
I often can’t think of anything other than what mood he will be in when he gets in. I never know what will set him off so I have to carefully monitor my words, actions, and behaviours, and that takes a lot of effort.
My main focus is to prevent myself from being hurt. No matter how important you are to me, my priority is to keep myself safe.
Unreliable
I feel terrible for letting you down at the last minute, and even worse when I have simply not turned up and not answered my phone.
I am trying to keep hold of my freedom, but he makes it so hard for me to get out. We often seem to argue just before I am due to meet you, or he sometimes goes out just before I do so there’s no one to look after the kids.
He makes me feel guilty for having my own life and doing things that do not involve him. He wants me all to himself.
Sometimes it’s easier not to go out because it’s not worth the arguments and possible consequences of defying his orders.
Lack of apathy/emotion
I want to be there for you like I used to be, but I struggle to feel things these days. I’m doing my best to get through each day and I’m ashamed to say that I don’t have the capacity to help you get through your difficult times.
I have turned my emotions off. They are too painful, and I’m scared I will fall apart or take my own life if I allow myself to feel the full force of the guilt, humiliation, embarrassment, pain, and shame that is bubbling away deep down inside.
This is also why I never seem truly happy, excited, or enthusiastic about anything. I have shut everything off.
Lack of commitment
I really, really want to do things with you, but I can’t commit to anything until I have checked that it’s ok with him. Even then, it is only a flaky yes, because who knows what will happen on the day.
Remember, my time is not my own. I have to make sure that he doesn’t need me for anything first. If I don’t ask for his permission he will stop me going. It helps if he has already got plans without me, that’s normally the only time I can do anything on my own.
Lack of money
My money is not for me to spend, that’s why I never offer to pay for anything. We are in so much debt, yet he keeps spending. Every penny that is in my bank account is accounted for and I have to make a little go so far, I don’t even have a few pounds to buy you a birthday present.
I haven’t forgotten that I owe you money and I promise I will pay you back somehow. But, I can’t say when. I never wanted to borrow the money in the first place but I had no one else to ask and he needed the money for something.
Tired
I am always so tired, that’s why I can’t be there for you as much as I’d like.
Walking on eggshells and trying to survive every day drains my energy. I have nothing left to give, I am running on empty.
It may look like I have plenty of energy when I go out and do things with him but it’s an act, one that I have to make him believe.
It may seem crazy that I can go to an exercise class, or get a spray tan when I sometimes can’t be bothered to even talk when I’m with you, but these things are for him, not me. I must maintain the image he desires.
Please Don’t Give Up On Me
I’m sorry I am being a terrible friend, daughter, niece, colleague, or employee. Believe me, I feel awful about treating you this way. If there was another option, I would take it. But at the moment, I can’t see past the pain and suffering. I can’t see a way out so all I can do is keep myself safe, no matter how that affects the relationship I have with you.
I can feel the awkwardness between us as we hug and I go stiff. Sometimes my body is hurting, other times I just can’t risk letting you in. Who knows what would happen to both you and me if I were to release everything I am carrying on my shoulders and in my heart?
I may not be ready to talk about my situation or even admit to myself that I am being abused, but please don’t give up on me, no matter how many times I blank you or let you down.
I can’t be pushed to leave, that will only put me in more danger or result in me pulling away from you altogether. But do keep the lines of communication soft and open.
Is everything ok? I will always answer “Yes fine” but it shows me you care and I need to know that people care about me.
Can I do anything to help? I will always answer “no”, or I may even refuse that anything is wrong at all. But it lets me know that that help could be out there for me.
And if I ever do open up, I’m not asking you to save me. I just need a non-judgemental space to verbalise my thoughts so I can try to make sense of it all. I may not be ready to leave but I am gradually opening myself up to the possibility that leaving safely is an option.
It might seem that I am not listening to your soft suggestions and the information you share about leaving but your words are going in. I am storing them away. They are helping me find the power and courage I need to leave.
The greatest gift you can give me is your kindness. I don’t get treated with much kindness or compassion at home and if I am to ever consider leaving, I need to know that kindness exists. That will keep hope alive for better days.
I won’t always be the one taking. I will get my freedom back and we will laugh together again. The good times together will return and the day will come when I can repay all the love and compassion you have shown me.