Putting The Past Behind You - is it just a case of "time" ?

Yesterday I delivered a talk to some of the staff and service users at a local charity – the majority, if not all, of which were survivors of domestic abuse, at different points on their journey to freedom. Some had only just left and some had left a few years ago.

The thing they all had in common (apart from trauma and abuse) was that they had so far been unable to put the past behind them, despite being out of the relationship.

You would expect that those that had only recently broke free would still be very much reliving the past, because it is still very recent. But what about those that have been free for a number of years – surely they have moved on by now ?

My last blog was about my journey to freedom and it has been a long one ! 14.5 years to be exact (you can read it by clicking here).

There are so many people living their lives, moving on from difficult relationships and difficult situations / experiences, that see themselves as having “gotten over it”. However, these same people are also often suffering from low self-confidence, feelings of not being good enough, feeling not as important as everyone else. They are still feeling the pain of their past. This suffering shows up as being unable to find or maintain a loving relationship, being unable to take chances, putting themselves at the bottom of the list and ignoring their wants and needs, not voicing their opinions, trying to fit in or keeping themselves on the outside. The way I describe this feeling is of an invisible barrier between being who you are (based on what you think you should be) and who you want to be and it is stopping you from achieving the life that you want and fulfilling your true potential.

That barrier is telling you that, although the past is over and done with, it is still very much alive in this present moment.

Now, obviously, because of my life experiences, I am referring to domestic abuse – toxic and damaging relationships, but it can easily refer to any type of troubled past that has forced you to act in ways that are not true to yourself, that caused you pain at that time.

Many people live their whole lives with these debilitating feelings of low self-worth and recurring pain because they do not see how it can be changed – it’s just the way they are now, they remain a victim. They spend the rest of their lives allowing the past to cause them pain and in the case of abuse, they continue to abuse themselves but putting themselves down, criticising themselves, not looking after themselves, telling themselves they are ugly, worthless, fat, unimportant.

And that breaks my heart, because I know that you can put the past behind you, that the past does not need to still be causing pain. It takes time and effort but it is worth it and it all starts with awareness. Awareness that it is not the past that is hurting you now, it is your thoughts about the past, it is your current inability to accept your past. Awareness of how you are continuing the abuse yourself by not treating yourself with love, respect and appreciation.

The past happened and no amount of feeling sorry for yourself nor thinking “if only I hadn’t have stayed with him / been in that situation / had that experience” is going to change that. You can blame your past for everything as much as you want but that will not make the present nor the future any better, it will just ensure that you are stuck inside your bubble of bitterness and unfairness, constantly telling yourself and everyone how he / she / it has ruined your life.

In order to move forwards, to truly put the past behind you, you need to accept that it did happen and that it is over. You need to accept your present situation as it is right now – if you don’t like it you can change it. You need to realise that the longer you hold onto your past, by using it as an excuse for every action you take and result you have achieved, the longer you are allowing it to affect your present and your future. You need to change the way you talk to yourself.

Become aware of how you are continuing to let the past hurt you by the way in which you refer to your past – instead of continuously thinking about the pain, shame, guilt, embarrassment, think about how strong you were to get through it. Recognise that the pain that you feel when you think about your past is simply just a recall of the emotions experienced during that time – it is NOT how you feel now, it cannot hurt you now, it is over.

I always become choked up when I tell my story, particularly when I talk about my feelings of how I let my son down and how I feel I owe my son my life. However, as soon as my talk is over those feelings are gone, because they were just memories of how I felt at that time. That is how I know I have put my past behind me – because I know that the past can no longer hurt me, I have left it behind. I have drawn a line between my past and my present. It hasn’t been easy of course because now I can no longer blame my past for anything I have messed up since, I can no longer use it as an excuse for not achieving something or for not doing something and this leads to more abusive self-talk about not being good enough and letting myself down. You deal with
this by treating yourself as you would a best friend, your child or a loved one – with kindness and compassion. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, nothing to feel guilty about – you have always done your very best and that is always good enough.

Does time provide you with all you need to put the past behind you ? Definitely not, I am proof of that ! The only thing / person that can provide you with everything you need to put the past behind you is you. So choose to look at your past as one of survival, strength, resilience and courage, choose to talk to yourself and regard yourself in a kind, compassionate, loving way. Stop tearing yourself down and / or using the past as an excuse for everything that is wrong in your life right now. Start taking responsibility for your present and future and build yourself up with kind words that drown out the ones you have been using for however long that have held you back and kept you locked in your past.

It is time to set yourself free.

Lisa x

More information :

Free To Be Me video sequence – a set of 4 short videos that help you to start taking
steps to finding you again.

Rebuild Your Self-Confidence – an online, 12 week, group programme of no more than
6 women.

Life Coaching – 1:1 coaching that is tailored to your individual needs.