Abusers Come In Many Shapes and Sizes, But They All Share These Common Traits
When I was in an abusive relationship, I felt so alone. I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was going through. I couldn’t even understand what was going on, it made no sense.
How could someone hurt the person they claim to love?
Why would someone want to make another person feel so bad?
Why was he never sorry for hurting me?
How could he be happy knowing that I was afraid of him?
Then there were the mind games. The ones that made me start questioning my sanity, intelligence, and sensibility.
And then there were the lies, cheating, and control. Why couldn’t he see that this was all wrong?
I thought these behaviors were unique to our relationship. He always told me it was my fault. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, but I always took the blame. Therefore, it was my behaviors that were the issue, not his.
And then I managed to get away from the relationship.
I found a safe place where I could talk to people about what happened. I found a place in a woman’s refuge where we all swapped stories. And shortly after I had run away, my ex’s previous partner contacted me.
Every conversation I had with someone who had been in a similar position, confirmed one thing — the way my ex behaved was not unique to him, there were clear similarities with every other abuser I heard about. And when I spoke to my ex’s previous partner, my blood ran cold. He had treated her exactly the same as he treated me. Specific details of the physical abuse were identical to what I had experienced, proving it was not me, it was him.
Over the years I have come to realize that abusers share many common traits. Much to their disgust, they are not as unique and special as they like to think they are.
They don’t like being laughed at and they can’t laugh at themselves
They can’t see any flaws in their character and will see a simple joke as a personal insult. Instead of laughing along with the joke, they will deflect it and throw a nasty insult back. Changing the atmosphere immediately.
They will expect things of you that they do not expect of themselves. Your role in your relationship is to serve them. The expectations they have of you and others around them will be far greater than what they would ever place on themselves. They need to do nothing to prove to themselves how wonderful they are. However, you need to move heaven and earth just to get a scrap of recognition or approval.
You will struggle to get a straight answer out of them
They twist the truth, omit or add information, and make assumptions. Everything is manipulated to suit their narrative and be of benefit to them. They will evade answering some questions and shift the focus onto something completely different. They don’t need to explain anything to you, who do you think you are?! However, you will need to have a good explanation for anything you do. One that will only be good enough if it confirms their warped beliefs.
They get bored easily
You will find that their attention wanders if you start talking about yourself or something that has no relevance to their agenda. The only thing that maintains their attention is themselves, their wants, and desires. Their eyes will glaze over, they will yawn, walk off mid-conversation, or start scanning the room for someone else, who will indulge their need to talk about themselves.
They are quick to anger
Random situations and comments will set them off. They may not overtly express this anger, it could be that their face changes, or they go deadly silent. This anger is not consistent. Small little things can set them off, whilst big things will pass by in a flurry of “don’t worry about it”. That’s because the little things are just plain annoying to them. The big things are great opportunities for them to feed our insecurities and remind us of how useless and incompetent we are.
They will get jealous if someone is paying you more attention and compliments
They are the MIP (most important person) in the relationship, so attention and compliments should always be directed at them. Unless, of course, they are showing you off, to prove how desirable they are and what a catch they must be.
They will disappear now and again
Without word or reason, they just pull away. They don’t answer their phone or texts and you don’t know where they are. And then they will just pop back into your life again with some made-up excuse. They will not consider your feelings. If they meet someone who gains their interest, they will pursue that to see if they fit their brief better than you do. Or, they may have just got bored with you so choose not to spend time with you. They return once they need your attention again.
They are compulsive liars
They believe their lies, which fall off the tongue effortlessly. They will say and do whatever it takes to get their own way. Lying is a necessity because they consistently shift blame and responsibility away from themselves and onto others. They cheat, take advantage of people’s good nature, and use lies to control you and keep you down.
They don’t stick to any rules or procedures
They believe that the rules don’t apply to them, they are above all that. Boundaries prevent them from getting what they want when they want so they ignore them. They set the rules in their life. They are bound by none, whilst you will be subjected to strict rules. They make it clear that you are to stick them, no matter what — even if it is logically impossible to do so.
The difficulty we have with these people is that they are also master manipulators. They know exactly how to draw you in and keep you interested long enough for them to get under your skin. They know how to bypass those red flags that pop up in your head and those gut feelings of discomfort and uncertainty. If you try to get away in the early days of a relationship, they will pull out all the stops to persuade you back.
By the time you realize you are in an abusive relationship, you are trapped in a state of fear, confusion, pain, and toxic love.
If your new partner displays any of these traits pay closer attention to how they are truly making you feel and any alarm bells. Take a break to give yourself some breathing space. Use that time to work out if the relationship is good for you and if they are treating you with the love and respect you deserve.
And if they don’t “allow” you to have a break, or they continue to bombard you with texts and calls whilst you are having some space, put an end to it. The risks are too high.
Always remember, that a loving, caring, respectful partner will add to your life, not take away from it.
They will boost your self-confidence, not break it down. They will empower you with even more freedom to be yourself. They will never clip your wings or quieten your voice.